I’m a little tired right now gentle reader. Not from a bit of how’s-your-father, oh no, but rather a long day – one of those days full of little niggles and challenges. All done now though, and I’m home, and it’s dinner time and the radio is on…
Today I had yet another counselling session, and I’m beginning to feel my counsellor is responding to my needs when structuring our sessions. Apparently I’m too ‘bright’ for his standard counselling techniques, which is nice. I think.
Today’s theme was self-esteem. He wanted to explore any self-destructive behaviours I might be exhibiting and seemed somewhat disappointed when I couldn’t reveal any. Being an introvert getting angry or upset makes me want to avoid people, not jump into bed with them. As mentioned previously getting tipsy (a) makes me less interested in sex and (b) I act like an idiot so no-one would want me anyway. I don’t 'do' drugs. I don’t put myself in dangerous situations bar the usual risks that come with the gaydar/squirt cruising thing. It’s just me; late bloom in the gardens of Strumpetville; a breath away from withering…
My counsellor was particularly keen to talk about International (I suspect he sees him as more in need of counselling than I which his hardly fair – he only has my description after all. And I’m cuckoo). He was very forgiving of my weekend indiscretion, perhaps clutching at straws by seeing my love for International as the manifestation of my self-destructive tendencies. The counsellor gave me some cognitive behavioural therapy exercises to go through at home.
Does it seem strange that I profess to love International and yet still have sex with other people? I hope not. The situation will evolve as the facts change; right now I am decided not to wait idly by while has his cake and eats it. Alongside the causal encounters there is my – quite possibly self destructive – refusal to rearrange my social life around seeing him. I realise it may be stubbornness or obstinacy on my part, but I won’t change my plans to suit him because he can’t change his plans with Ouch. I fear that would leave me running around after him all the time.
I may be the other woman but we abhor the cliché!
Anyway, I still can’t wait to see him at the weekend and the message from Geneva is he can’t wait to see me. It will be a useful distraction from redrafting by business plan and bringing my accounts up to date and cleaning the flat and… because I love him loads.
(I also enjoy robot chicken.)
5 comments:
you keep saying how much you love international. has it ever crossed your mind how much pain "ouch" is? how paranoid he might be to suspect whether "international" is sleeping wih someone else or not. have you ever thought how "international" is emotionally abusing "ouch" for your sake? also, are you bing completely honest about "international" so that he won't be reocgnisable and has he been completely honest with you too?
I've been pretty honest about things but tried to protect the not-so-innocent. Is International honest with me? I hope so but of course can't be sure. Int'l has to try and work out what he's going to do re Ouch and me. I can only try to be supportive and recognise someone is likely to get hurt. In many ways I'd rather it was me. I don't know how Ouch feels or what he knows. But I do think of it a lot.
Ok, you can try to be supportive and recognise who's gonna get hurt, but why bother when you can do something better, i.e. take control of things and prevent the affliction of pain. International keeps you haging on not because he hasn't made a decision but because he can. He knows you would wait for him to decide or x amount of time hence he's not really trying hard to think about the situation and come up with an answer. I know it's not an easy decision to make but it shouldn't take this long especially when there are 2 lovelives involved. Maybe international is being selfish and yes he wants to have his cake and eat it. But in the end, I really sympathise ouch more than yourself. He's the one who's gonna get hurt so much, more thn you will. Remember that he was once in the same position as you are now. You will get hurt to sure but probably not as much as Ouch. If he relationship is in fact deteriorating, has it ever crossed your mind why Ouch didn't break up with international? There is a bond there which still exists, probably stronger than what you got with international and it will cause Ouch great emotional pain to break it. I think you can be a better man in this situation and maybe start taking control of your life instead of waiting for his decision.
btw, I'm an avid reader. great blog.
You raise really good points but: I really, really love him :-)
I realise I'e fallen for a manifestly unsuitable man. And I suspect Ouch loves Int'l still very much.
Truth is in a straight competition between me and Ouch I'd lose, hence in part my reluctance to put pressure on Int'l (plus I don't think that would be 'nice'). But if Int'l left me I might simply be destroyed. I'm not making excuses - I'm not saying it's right. Maybe I should end it and be sensible. But I can only try to remember the third of us (last but not least).
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