Wow!

The hardest decision I have ever, ever made was not to go home with ‘H’ on Monday night. I’ve never had to walk funny after a date before. Without the other thing that is... ;-)

‘H’ and I met at Leicester Sq (exit 4 should anyone want to start some kind of tour group or something) and it was as close to love at first sight as I’d ever be willing to credit the real world…

The Cheesy Bit: we went to a bar that was, naturally enough, relatively empty on a Monday night; so we got a glass of wine and sat down and talked and when, later he said “I’m hoping for a kiss by the end of the night” (but better than I write it here) I said “you can have one now” and, yes, he had one! And that one kiss had itself one-thousand more…

He moved from the sofa opposite to share the one I sat on, and eventually we sat with him in my arms, my head on his shoulder, the rest of the night spent kissing and talking and just generally CLICKING on every level. And I mean the kind of finish-your-sentences-click you hear about but don’t quite believe. Until it happens!

Amazingly (to me at least) by photo he wasn’t my type, and in truth I was a bit reticent about meeting but we really, really hit it off. So, of course, in my bedazzled infatuation I led him down the wrong street twice on my mission to find Le Bar. But once we were there we spent so much time talking about every detail of our lives and now I know so much about this great guy…

At 10:30[pm], very reluctantly, (and at the increasingly strident and panic stricken suggestion of the bar staff) we made our way home; separately, though, to my eternal and insurmountable delight we had already agreed to meet again, on Friday (my place, DVD, etc etc...)

At the risk of being saccharine these are the texts we’ve exchanged since then:

Mike: Hi! I had a great time meeting you today; can’t wait to see you again. Let’s definitely meet Friday. If not before!

Hxxxxx: Definitely; I’m tending toward before. I had a lovely time and you are a great guy; I was about to text you but you beat me to it. I miss you already (cheesy; I don’t care!)

M: Not too cheesy at all! Want to kiss you all the more. Have a good night. X.

H: Night babe XXX

….Tuesday....

H: Hey Mr… couldn’t help myself thought I just had to say Hi and see how your day is going! XXX

M: Hey you! Been thinking about you all day! Really want to see you again soon.

H: Me too! Am free on Thursday if you want to go for a drink or a meal :-)

M: Friday definitely. But do you want to meet on Thursday too?!

H: I would love to…

M: Hooray! … what time and where do you want to meet on Thursday?

H: Love the Hooray :-p. 7:30?

M: 7:30’s good for me. where do you want to meet?

Etc etc etc etc etc…

Ich bin ein Ratarsedschwein

Am I a bit cheered up? Why yes; yes I am. I realise, by the way, this blog has shown me repeating a cycle of such limited virtue… Must do better, gentle reader! But, once again climbing straight back onto the horse…

Saturday I went to the Gay Coffee Posse, on a wonderful warm summer-like day, where amusingly the organiser tried (and failed badly – I’m amazed the guy wasn’t punched) to take pictures of fellas he liked without them noticing and where, unexpectedly, I met ‘I’. We got on very well, and ended up spending most of the afternoon just talking to each-other, rather than participating in the group. He speaks German, which is handy as I’m German (I also give good French ha ha) and, though we both had another engagement that evening, I really enjoyed meeting him and talking to him and I’ve contacted him to see if he wants to go out sometime.

It’s OK if he says no, by the way. This is clearly something I need to get used to. I think I’ve been spoilt by the fact most of the men I contact at least want to go on a date, and quite often more than that (if only the once). So I should have a reality check!

After GCP I went out with some friends and got utterly hammered so was terribly hung-over on Sunday, though again seeing my friends and having a good laugh was a real boost to my mood - I really don't tell my friends enough how lucky I feel to have them as friends; another thing to add to my list of Things To Do.

I was supposed to see ‘G’ at this weekend too but he had to cancel due to work; we’ve been messaging each other for an absolute age and I’m sure we’ll meet up soon enough. Instead however, I met ‘K’– we’ve been messaging too, and he out of the blue asked me to meet him – and, after a nice afternoon in Greenwich, a good time was had by all. Again, this is someone I don’t really expect to meet again, though I’d be thrilled to; he’s such a very good kisser, and the way he slept with his head on my chest was so endearingly cute.

See, I can learn – though possibly I should learn faster – so now rather than expecting to see someone again and being disappointed when they don’t want to, I will now expect nothing and therefore shall be pleased should anything occur. Wow, talk about taking the long way round!!

In addition I’ve updated the photos on all the sites I’m a member of (no gentleman’s relish, to be clear; just ordinary pictures of me!) – not much chance of disappointing someone that way. At the OUT website one neat thing is you can give someone a ‘thumbs up’ if you like their profile. I have had 87 thumbs up in the month since I joined (yay for me), about 20% of the people who’ve viewed me (yeah, OK… 21.6%... I do the sums...the shame) so it will be interesting to see whether that proportion holds.

It’s all about managing expectations. And then exceeding them ;-)

Ugly Duckling

Well… OK then. Yesterday’s rather flippant post didn’t really tell the whole story about how I’m feeling. The truth is I’m pretty down about things at the moment.

This is because of what happened with ‘O’, but also because the last four (count ‘em) fellas I’ve asked out have made it pretty clear that I’m not their type.

While I know it seems really stupid, it does make me feel ugly and generally unlikeable (if that’s a word). Consciously I know I’m not, of course; whilst I may not win prizes I can turn a head or two (?) and I can be sure I dress OK. God knows the guys who’ve given me a chance have never had cause to regret it on any level.

Nevertheless:

I realise the kind of rejection I’ve had is part of the rough-and-tumble of meeting men, I’m a bit sensitive sometimes and probably a bit self-absorbed with it; and I can get a bit infatuated with no good reason – all loveable traits, I know ;-) – so once in a while it gets to me.

Perhaps one of the biggest problems I give myself (and the only real problems I have are ones I make for myself) is my refusal to give myself a rest; I work all hours – doing work I love to bits to be sure; I never took a minute out when I got dumped; I’m studying; having an active social life; dating….

A couple of good friends have worried to me about burnout, and I take their concerns seriously enough to think about pulling back a bit. No more than two or three men a week then?!

In the meantime, of course I’ll get over it. I still need to finalise arrangements with ‘G’ and ‘H’ and it will be really nice to be among some decent company tomorrow. By the time that’s done I’ll have quite cheered up, I’m sure. Until then the thing I keep trying (and succeeding) to be is positive:

So, then, this is the slightly soppy way it’s going to work:

• I’ll continue to enjoy the cherry blossoms on the trees and walking around London in the spring sunshine;
• I’ll continue to smile when I see couples in love, rather than get jealous;
• I’ll continue to be charmed by puppies, kittens, and babies;
• I’ll continue to flirt with strangers, so there!;
• I’ll stick with the diet and start going swimming again;
• I’ll get a whole new haircut; the lamb-chops are going!;
• I’ll have myself a holiday;
• I’ll go to more classical concerts (I love Baroque), the cinematograph, and theatre shows;
• I’ll always remember the way my friends and family embrace me (awww);

Still, if anyone wants to join me that’d be just fine…

The F-Plan

As you may have seen in previous posts, gentle reader, I have a desire to lose a bit of weight. What better, then, than to try the F-Plan?

It really is quite simple. You have a hearty lunch, then go out on a date and skip both dinner and breakfast. You can have a glass or two of wine in the evening, but the plan also requires you engage in a vigorous regime of indoor sports that should burn about 400 calories a time.

What could be simpler?

Ah, if only it were that simple. The problem is The Rules.

The Rules are:

1. No sex on a first date.
2. Terms and conditions apply to Rule 1.
3. If I use Rule 2 to get round Rule 1 then I only have myself to blame

To demonstrate: My message to ‘O’ met with a very upsetting brush off indeed; I won’t go into details but we shan’t be seeing each other again. I must confess to being somewhat mystified because we really did get on so very well, and even when I left his place on Tuesday he couldn’t keep his hands of me. I’m pretty sure I’m not deluding myself into seeing something that wasn’t there. Well, of course I had a bit of a miserable day today, and today’s the day when most of my friends are not around so there were few people to talk to about it. But, then I realised I’m worth no less than I was on Monday so what the hell; the loss is entirely his, even if I do feel a bit down about it.

Tonight, though, I met ‘M’ for a couple of drinks. He knows I’m still quite new to this so he took me to a ‘gay pub’ near Trafalgar Square. It was a really nice place and definitely somewhere I want to go to again; cheered me up nicely. ‘M’ (a nurse) was really great, and even made me a CD of some tunes I might hear at an event called Duckie he said we should go to. He wants to take me to some ‘scene’ venues and actually I’m quite keen. In fact I can’t wait!

I hope also at the weekend to meet a guy (‘G’) I’ve been messaging via OUT. We shall meet in Greenwich for a few drinks, and see how well we get on. I’m very interested to know more about him; he’s very erudite and witty but doesn’t live in London so I guess it’s a big deal for him to come all the way to, essentially, my local area to visit me.

And on Monday I am looking forward to meeting ‘H’, yet another medical professional (what is it about me and blokes in scrubs?! Freud could have a field day, I’m sure). I’d been chatting to ‘H’ for a while too, but for some reason I thought he was in a relationship; once he told me he wasn’t I was in there like some horned up pink whippet, asking for a date! He seems very similar to me in many respects so I guess it will be… interesting/exciting to see how that works out.

But, first and foremost is the next Gay Coffee Posse! Yes, this Saturday a whole month will have rolled around. Hard to believe it, but here we are!! Next month I intend to take things a lot more slowly. Well, there aren’t that many men left are there?

The Story of 'O'

On Monday I met ‘O’. A short, simple statement for a complex event! Me being me, we had a row even before we met as he called me a name during our message exchange that, having first seen it at an emotional time, I took against. But I later got over myself, apologised for my reaction, and smoothed things over. To give you an idea of how emotional I was at the time, the name called was ‘dingbat’!

We met at Leicester Square (fast becoming a regular haunt) at 7 and went in quick succession to three pubs he chose, having a lot to drink in the process. But we got on famously, and the hours flew by until, at around 11, he asked where we should go next, and I said we should get some wine and go to his place.

And so we did.

I think, however, this may have been a mistake. Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time and we didn’t get to sleep till about 7am. But the issue now is I’m uncertain about what’s going to happen next. I do want to see him again, but I wonder if he’ll want to after Monday’s activities? He confessed to being quite shocked at my proposition, particularly in view of my purported shyness (which is all too real, gentle reader, hence the crass proposition, if you see what I mean) and he “doesn’t normally do this”; when I asked him if he wanted to meet again he said “maybe”. Ummm... I suppose whether he wants to meet again is as much down to who he is as it is related to anything I've done (he could have declined my proposition after all!), and I'm sure this is fairly normal angst that most people experience... Well, on Thursday I’m going to send him a message along the lines of:

“Hi,

It was really good to meet you on Monday. I had a great time, and I hope you did too.

When not reacting to imagined insults and propositioning men to hide my shyness, I’m quite good dinner company. And I recall there’re a couple of pubs we didn’t make it to on Monday. So it would be good to see you again; I hope you want to meet up soon.”

Hopefully this message won’t have my friends competing to be first to point out that I’m being pathetic and needy!! But he is quite plain spoken, so he won’t be shy about letting me know one way or another.

One immediate consequence of meeting ‘O’ is that I’m now really tired. So while What'shisname was due to come round tonight, I cancelled. It was rude of me to do so at such short notice, but I explained I wasn’t feeling too well (half-truth) and would make good company (total truth). I haven’t heard back from him; I hope he isn’t too miffed.

Instead, though, as a last minute arrangement, I’m going to the cinema with ‘D’. We’re fast becoming friends, and it’s good to know that the somewhat awkward path we went down hasn’t got in the way of that. I very much want to see the new Mike Leigh film, Happy Go Lucky, as I think it might have some useful parallels with how I'm trying to approach things.

[We ended up seeing One Missed Call, which was quite scary!]

Three's company

This Sunday the sun was shining and I took the time to check my little garden. I was delighted to find that the seeds of last year’s sunflowers had produced enough viable new plants to give me a healthy crop this spring; and the bulbs I planted three years ago have come up again! Also, my slight aphid problem was being tackled nicely by some ladybirds, so no need to cook up some foul smelling mixture to spray them off. And, on top of this, some cocoons that have wintered among my foliage look ready to produce some beautiful butterflies any time now.

Metaphors are everywhere in nature.

I spent Saturday with ‘T’ again, and once more we had a wonderful time. We seem to click on every level, intellectually, aesthetically, physically, and I ended up staying much, much later than I intended to. But it really was great. Virtually perfect, in fact. It put me on such a high to be treated like a prince and worshipped for hours and hours. ‘T’ has a romantic streak that Whatshisname lacks (though I miss Whatshisname terribly when he’s not here) and it’s nice to be flattered and made a fuss of once in a while.

I know ‘T’ is in an open relationship and that’s absolutely fine*, though it does mean we can’t now meet for a couple of weeks (they’re going to Italy for their hols, lucky devils). However, ‘T’s office is just a few minutes from my flat, so there’s always a hope that we can meet on and off in the future, and the next time the boyfriend’s away I’m happy to be the spare squeeze!

The saga of D & L continues (a bit); I had a few text messages from ‘D’ on Sunday – he sounded quite down so I suggested we go out for a boozy lunch to try and cheer him up but he was out of London visiting family. He did say, though, that he realised he was being a bit hypocritical about the whole thing, and that the core of the problem was his lack of confidence about dating/being in a relationship. I do sympathise, but I think he needs to allow himself and the guys he meets time to let a relationship evolve (hark at me!) – and half the fun of dating in the meantime is that you get to me a whole range of men! He also seemed keen to meet up again at some point; so out of Thursday I have gained an amusing anecdote and maybe a friend too – a lot of dates go worse than that, so once again I’ve been lucky, I think.

But, by not meeting ‘D’ I could go ahead and spend the evening with ‘P & L’, a charming couple I met online. At the risk of sounding a painted jezebel, they asked me to join them for some indoor sports and I thought “why not?”. Don’t judge me, gentle reader!

Of course there are rules to these things but I must admit it was a bit weird, especially since ‘L’ seemed so much more into it that ‘P’, who was really into it (though both of them were extremely complimentary). It was an experience, and one that left me feeling quite light headed. But I don’t think I’ll do it again… soon. I hope they had a satisfying time but I’m happy to let it be a one-off.

All in all a very satisfying, experience rich couple of days.

As a finale I’d like to share these things:

I love walking home in the early hours, after indoor sports with a fella; the moon in the sky, the streets to myself, the foxes and cats my only company.

I love flirting with strangers on public transport; the quick eye-catch, look away, eyes meet again… smile… perhaps shift into a more flattering position etc etc.

I love rounding off a day full of indoor sports with some music, a glass of wine, and a good book; a little bit of me time in an endorphin bath.

Tart with a Heart, that’s me.

What a twisted web we weave...

... when we practise to deceive.

Honesty is the best policy, they say, and in my previous post I talked about the need for total honesty in a relationship. Thursday's date with ‘D’ proves precisely that. And the fact that it is a small, small world.

(You may also recall, gentle reader, that I also had a date with ‘B’ on Wednesday; the less said about that the better. We move, never so swiftly, on.)

This date had been rescheduled from last Friday and so I was dismayed when, just as I was about to leave, ‘D’ sent a text to cancel. Well, I’m not having that, I thought, so I text back “I’m sorry to hear that [you want to cancel]. Are you sure? Do you want to meet a bit later/somewhere else?... I’d love to [see] you”

In reply he called and asked if I could just come round to his place. You betcha (!) and date back on. He met me at the station, and asked if I want to go for a drink. I suggested instead that we get some wine and go back to his place, to which he agreed. Oh my, the night was looking good! We'd had a kind of pre-date so we'd met before and it was quite easy just to get talking and it didn't feel awkward suggesting going straight back to his place at all.

At said place we have to go straight to the bedroom, because that is where the computer is, with all the music. I quite understand!! And there we are, a little wine, dimmed lights, some music, and he had me in stitches showing me videos of fonejacker on YouTube… One thing slowly wending its way, in the manner that these things do, to another. All looking pretty fine – except then, unexpectedly, Boyfriend arrives to make a surprise visit.

Bum.

But more, much more than this, Boyfriend turns out to be none other than tall handsome ‘L’.

Mega-Bum-Drawers.

There we were, the three of us, making quite the tableaux for the few seconds we were frozen; then a kind of double-take “you… me… him… er”. And then, of course, it all kicks off.

Now, I’m in an awkward position here, and not in the way I had hoped for; essentially trying to provide some level of relationship counselling whilst looking for my other sock. After all, what is the etiquette in this scenario? People flouncing in and out, tears, text messages, me partially clothed and wondering if there’s any wine left. The evening is nose-diving badly.

To be fair to myself, I’m the one who’s been completely honest here; not in a relationship, quite happy to meet, not exclusive etc etc. And, fair play to the fella, tall handsome ‘L’ was saying (to ‘D’) “It’s OK, we’re still relatively new to this relationship, and we never promised each other anything. Enjoy yourself; doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy ourselves together too”. ‘D’, on the other hand, was complaining bitterly of betrayal and dishonesty and heart-break (somewhat incongruously, in my view, if you consider I was halfway to using his ankles as ear-muffs at the time). Well, 3am rolled around and I decided the needs of manners and politeness had been well-enough served so I ordered a taxi and made my way. ‘D’ was kind enough to see me out and he later sent me a text to say he’d finished with tall handsome ‘L’; I emailed him when I got home to encourage him to think about what he wants in a relationship and to let me know how he’s getting on.

And that was that.

So tonight it was once again to Das Boot with colleagues and I must admit I was cheered up immensely, after feeling a bit down about it all. And: Wonderfully, I’m seeing ‘T’ on Saturday, I have made certain arrangements for Sunday that I may blog about later; Monday I’ve got a date with ‘O’ (He grew up in the same part of the world as me, and it’s the two year anniversary in London for him you see); Tuesday to Wednesday ‘V’ is coming round (yeah, I gave in) and Thursday is my date with ‘M’ (and that one is something I’m particularly looking forward too).

Oh, and I’ve decided to upgrade ‘V’ to 'Whatshisname' from now on.

Keeping up, gentle reader? I should have done this years ago!!