Going out with a bang!

Normal service has been resumed gentle reader, and chirpy sarf Lahndahn fella Mike is back on top form. And this morning I was in the mood for something that the Invisible Boyfriend was not around to provide.

So Mike hatched a plan. A plan so cunning it would outfox Mr Foxington-Fox-Smythe himself. Well, perhaps :o).

I decided to have a last hurrah with my regulars and invited them to come over today for, well old times’ sake I suppose. As it turns out two could only come over in the morning (new-V couldn’t make it at all) but also they both wanted to come over at the same time. So, I tactfully explained that they might run into each other but both were surprisingly fine with it, and they got on rather well in the event – a good time was had by all. Perhaps they’ll hook up from now on without me?!

The object of all this of course is to draw a line under what now can loosely be termed the past, and focus on building a steadier relationship with Mark, which for the moment might be termed the future. I’ve um-ed and ah-ed over ‘monogamy’ with him now for quite long enough; it’s time to take the plunge, put my money where my mouth is, and get on with it.

After bidding a fond farewell to both, I had lunch with a neighbour and we put away a fair bit of wine giggling over my erstwhile profiles online on various lurve-sites; but whilst doing that I got a charming invitation from a local guy via gaydar and after exchanging a couple of messages I bid farewell to my neighbour and headed the couple of miles up the road to see him. As casual hook-ups go this one really, really was an excellent finale; and he was such a nice guy I suggested afterward that we might want to go out sometime for drinks – platonic from this point on, though. I’m not sure he’ll go for it – casual hook-ups are what they are after all; and arguably it would mean taking things in the wrong order. But all the gay friends I’ve made to date have come from, well, dates of one sort or another, so one can never be sure. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that going out on a limb is never wrong!

Anyway, is that the end of that? Not quite, I’m afraid. New-V, being an understanding chap, as well as the prince of all naughtiness, has suggested that he and I have our own last hurrah of sorts at a particular sort of party he’s going to next Saturday. And that involves the last big thing I particularly wanted to try on this particular journey; so I said yes. That, I think, will be the final fling.

This week’s postsecret has a postcard on it discussing the awkwardness of falling in love. I recognise the sentiment; but I really have to try and get it right with Mark now. Perhaps I'm going out on the ultimate limb? Well, no turning back.


Tune in next week kids, for another exciting installment of... but in the meantime some pix of my walk yesterday.

Midsummer

I must be looking good right now; I got wolf-whistled in the street today and my profile on one of has been nominated for ‘sex factor’ on gaydar. Oo-er. And to top it all I managed to take a good new picture for my various profiles after trying for ages!! That makes up for my verdammten washing powder leaching the colour out of my work shirts; though that at least is a good excuse for some retail therapy.

Yesterday I went to the pub with colleagues, get the latest gossip and generally catch up – these days I rarely get the opportunity to see work-friends in a group. A bit of a boozy session during which, in a bid to keep up with management buzzwords, we rechristened our team the Productivity Shitter.

Then, on my way home, Mark called – he was just getting his train to Calais. He called because he suddenly realised he hadn’t replied to my email, and he asked me what he should get me from France to make it up to me. A brief call, but a reassuring one. And he seemed genuinely pleased when I said I had no plans to hook up with anyone while he was away. So, although I’m still quite lonely this weekend, I’m in a much better mood than I thought I would be.

Being utterly lost in affairs of the heart, and generally ruled by my head in any event, I created a ‘behaviour grid’ where I looked at how I behave/what I am like with and without Mark, when I am either happy or said.

I think we can all agree that happy is better than sad, but the grid doesn’t really point to being with him as better than being single. I hope planning things out in this way doesn’t make me seem cold or too analytical. The clincher for me is that being without him does make me unhappy, so it’s moot to have a happy/alone box in the first place. Yes being with him is what makes me happy. I’ve realised you see - yes indeed gentle reader - it seems I’ve become infatuated after all. And with that, there really is no more need for discussion, angst or anything else.

Today I walked all the way to the O2 dome, did a bit of shopping, and came back. Because I’ve met quite a few guys from the local area it was a bit like a trip down memory lane – past that guy’s flat, this guy’s car, the pub where I met the other… a journey of sentimental value. Anyway, once there I found myself in a garden centre looking at plants – because Mark wants to do his garden! I saw lots of gay couples in the supermarket which made me feel a bit sad, because my fella wasn’t there. And I began to plan things Mark and I could do together – the ecological gardens at the millennium village; the beach at the yacht club; the play I’ve been meaning to see for ages…

PS I've updated the email address that links from this blog; the new address doesn't support attachments yet - sorry guys ;-)

Enough already!

Last night, because Mark and I were not going to meet up after all, I composed a long email to him telling him about my day and what was happening work-wise etc. More conversational than romantic, but I thought it would be a nice thing to do.

More than 20 hours later and with no reply, I’m back on the old angst roller coaster. Oh Joy.

To be honest this can’t continue, it really can’t: up/down; secure/insecure. Every time I send a message or a text I wait on tenterhooks for the response… I’m sure it isn’t healthy, and I need to get over it. Histrionic personality disorder; attractive!! Well, as a trained scientist/investigator/analyst I should be able to look at things rationally, so I’ve boiled down some ‘resources’ I’ve found to:

1. I need work out my long-term goals and balance them with jumping at opportunities as soon as they are presented.

2. I should try to be consistent in my self-image and the image I present to others as potential boyfriend material.

3. Though every situation is still new right now, I will admit my attitudes have consistently shifted as time has gone on and I need to try and be comfortable with what I want when I’m getting out there.

4. I should work harder to apply a positive ‘this can work’ attitude to things.

5. I love being a man; love being with men ‘intimately’. I don’t think anyone considers me effeminate or camp (and actually those things put me off if they’re strong traits in others).

6. I think emotional immaturity, shyness and inexperience are a killer combination. But I have good friends, reasonable life-experiences, solid core values and beliefs – so things can only get better with effort.

Something has to give because it’s getting me more than a bit down. So as this weekend is free I will spend some quiet me time and use the above to Think About Stuff. I’m sure you can’t wait to read about it!

In the meantime, tonight I’m having dinner with old friends (10 years plus) with whom I used to work while I was at university. I haven’t seen them since I came out and one of them in particular used to be one of my bestest best friends – we spent Christmases together, travelled round Europe together etc… but we kind of drifted apart over the last few years and haven’t seen each other for a long time; so it should be a good night – hopefully draw me out of myself. Perhaps they can contrast the pre and post gay me?

And on Friday I’m meeting up with the people I went to see Sex and The City; we’re going for Sushi in Soho, which promises to be great fun.

Who needs men, eh?

(…I do)

Fallen Angel

For a while there today the angst-counter was well into the red, and the blouse reader was off the scale. The engines cannae take it Cap’n!!

“Hi I will call you later x”

That’s the reply to my (much longer) message this morning wishing Mark well and trying to confirm Wednesday.

Uh-oh. ‘x’ notwithstanding, that’s not going to help is it?

Well, before we go further, a terrible confession.

I saw new-V last night for some double-plus naughtiness. I know, I know, I know; what’s wrong with me? I do really like Mark, and I’ve set out before that monogamy is fine – having my cake and eating it is not [he alleged] what this is about. But…

I’m new at this. I know it’s the same old excuse, but there we are. I really need some affirmation from Mark. I think the moment he clearly expresses some kind of link to me – calls me his boyfriend, tells me how much he likes me etc – then the situation will be much improved. But I can’t ask for that, because it would be false and I know he doesn’t want the ‘pressure’. So, until I have something more concrete it’s difficult for me to refuse to see others, even if it’s just sex.

Anyway, today Mark calls me as promised to explain that he can’t see me on Wednesday because he has to see a client – that is he forgot we had plans when he agreed to do that. He was very apologetic and promised to make it up to me, though I was naturally very disappointed.

But the most useful thing about the conversation, for all that it will be about 10 days between seeing each other, is that it convinced me he does like me and isn’t about to dump me – he would have done it by now, surely? – and so ironically I do feel a lot better about things and am happier that we have a stable foundation for… the future!

Phew! Talk about taking the long way round!!

Tonight I went out for a not-date with a neighbour of mine (it turns out virtually everyone where I live is gay, and I had no idea!) for dinner and drinks at the by-now-familiar O2. We met on Gaydar when he messaged me to say he saw my profile and recognised me from the Facebook group of our local community; then he found me on OUT too – so, smallest of all possible worlds, we decided to meet up for drinks. I had a good night - we talked and talked, and we may meet again, but I think this is probably more platonic – so with this one nothing happened!!

Bored

Today Mark and I were supposed to have lunch; and yes, I did hope the afternoon might see the gourmand become the voluptuary. But when we spoke this morning the cold he was coming down with on Friday had really taken hold and he was feeling rotten. Hence we had to abandon have the fantastic lunch I had intended for us today.

The planned menu:

1) Antipasto, followed by minestrone

(complimented with a nice new world Chardonnay)

2) Salad

3) Pork and Chicken in a white wine and cream source

(served with a lovely organic Chenin Blanc.)

4) Me.

Unfortunately that couldn't happen. A pox on the flu!

I'm really disappointed because it's the last time we can spend any weekend time together for a while now - though we will see each other on Wednesday, so that's something. Mark did rather pointedly suggest that I would know how to amuse myself in the meantime. Uh-oh. Truth is, I have decided not to see anyone else for the time being until I'm sure what this is becoming/where it's going. For some reason a bit nervous about that but...

So actually this afternoon I find myself rather bored, and annoyed at the confines I've placed on myself! Well, rough with the smooth. He'll have to make it up to me somehow ;-)

No option then: it's domestic goddess time - things must be desperate. Work on the balcony; try and get my antique clock working again; and general tidying. I also went out and treated myself to a new computer monitor on the spur of the moment - possibly not the best time for fripperies as I'm still trying to rebuild my finances, but what the hey?

Finally I decided to try and update my pics on my various profiles, but as usual the camera and I were not on the best of terms! Instead, pics of domesticity to entertain till I have something more interesting to blog (the pictures above the dining table were made by a good friend of mind and given to me years ago; they're my favourites).

He'll always have Paris

Last night Mark and I went to see The Happening… well, it was OK. I don’t really recommend it over, say, seeing something else. I think Mark liked it more than me though which is good, because I chose the film!

Afterward there were drinks, but not dinner as planned; and that was good for a number of reasons. Firstly, obviously, I was with him. Hurrah!

Secondly, we talked for the first time about the future. Not The Future as in mortgage; marriage; children; death, but as in the events over the next few weeks.

It turns out, to my intense disappointment, that Mark is in France not only next weekend, but the weekend after. I dropped some pretty heavy hints (“I’ve never been to France. I’d love to go. Perhaps we should go one day? Paris should be lovely at this time of year.”) but no, they didn’t seem to register! I also suggested that he and I should go to Germany in the late summer which he seemed open to, though he’s going to Greece in September.

This is what I get for meeting a guy who Travels!

Still, at least it shows he’s not having serious doubts right now, if we can talk about July, August, September…

But the third, and perhaps most interesting thing, is a realisation that Mark expects me to, for want of a better phrase, take charge. In fact he was quite up-front about it last night; he has a high-powered job where he has to make tough decisions 12 hours a day and as part of his work/life balance he doesn’t really want to make decisions outside that. And, to be a bit icky, that applies in the bedroom too.

Hmmm. Is angst ridden blouse “still-quite-new-at-this” Mike up to the challenge?

Nevertheless, our hectic schedules mean that we have to snatch our moments when we can; and to that end I’m cooking him a very nice Sunday lunch, and hopefully afterward he will stay for a film, and a bit of coffee and home-made cake (yes, I bake things too) and etc, etc.

Angst

I need relationship advice, plain and simple. Governed more by head than heart, and having very limited experience of this kind of thing, I’m completely lost at sea.

Friends and family offer the familiar ‘just be yourself’ line; well, OK. How? Well, OK… stupid question - but I can't just go by instinct. It really would be nice if there was more concrete advice out there. I found one decent site last night (now linked on the right) – well, at about 4:00 this morning because I had a pretty sleepless night – which advises enormous blouses like me to think about dating goals, and what the other wants from a partner. That’s all good, but I need data to analyse, pick people’s brains over…

Wednesday’s post probably wasn’t very clear. I do think Mark and I have a future, but I don’t want to repeat my usual trick of becoming totally infatuated and then very quickly realising I’ve made a mistake, or accidentally ruining everything by coming on too strong.

Catch 22 – trying too hard to avoid the appearance of trying too hard.

You see, by not letting myself become infatuated, and thus deluding myself into thinking everything’s perfect, I’ve not given myself the usual angst-avoidance tools. So now I have to confront my lack of relationship experience. If only I had the vocabulary to express my feelings to him simply, and the insight to recognise what he might need from me. If only I had enough experience to be confident that he does like me, and be relaxed in that knowledge.

It all comes down to why I came out in the first place; not sex, but love. I must confess in my mind I've caught myself referring to Mark as 'Darren'; good sign or not??

Well, cinema tonight, then dinner (my treat), and then… Further updates as events warrant. Writing this has helped - reading it back to myself my heads says chillax ;-)

Between now and then: a long bath, glass of wine and, for a change, the boat to town tonight, as a treat.