Communication is, I am told, one of the most fundamental elements that make up any relationship. Fellow blogger Anthony is but one of many people who have given me some sound advice about communication in relationships; what to say, what not to say, and how to say it!
Now, consider if you will, gentle reader, my quandary. I am an introvert; raised in a dysfunctional family; was in the closet for way too long. I have very little relationship experience. When oh when was I supposed to learn how to communicate well?
And don’t think for a moment my communication problems in any way detract from my massive personality flaws. Oh no, anyone who sticks with me for even the smallest period of time is dancing through a veritable minefield of grumpy, frumpy, over sensitive, English-is-my-second-language fairyness. The mind fair boggles.
As I’m the angst ridden type who would prefer to wreck a relationship because then at least he knows where he stands, I fear that Fella and I have hit what may be described as a rocky patch. Though as it’s barely been a month “a rocky patch” might be doing our nascent relationship too much credit. Having said that let us focus on the good before we settle down for a nice long rant:
- we have lots of fun together;
- the sex is great;
- we’re doing lots of coupley things;
- we’re in virtually constant touch;
- I’ve managed to avoid the trap of getting thoroughly infatuated;
Oh yes, that’s right. I have managed not to take a flying leap off the cliff face, but instead stand on the edge considering whether the leap is worth my while this time. And that’s good, isn’t it?
But! Yeah… saw that coming, didn’t you?…
He won’t Communicate. By that I mean I know what he’s had for lunch and what his favourite colour is; yet he won’t acknowledge compliments, discuss his feelings or even reply to direct questions. We can’t do certain things – silly things; watch Family guy or listen to Bach – because of his ex. But he won’t talk about his ex. As I said before, I’m not asking for a declaration of undying love but this feeling that he’s constantly pulling back is beginning to get to me. I'm worried very much in particular he's on the rebound...
The only ‘solution’ I have is to go with the flow. I don’t know how to draw him out if he simply ignores a direct question; but I’m not so self assured that I can be just fine with it. So then, do I sit by irritated and try to let things pass or do I keep pushing. Both strategies have their risks. I’d like to keep seeing him to see if something develops; I’d prefer this not to be another two month angst-athon where all my friends patient wait for me to balls it up before my attention is drawn by the next guy, and the next guy, and the next guy. But I don’t know what else to do.
4 comments:
"And don’t think for a moment my communication problems in any way detract from my massive personality flaws. Oh no, anyone who sticks with me for even the smallest period of time is dancing through a veritable minefield of grumpy, frumpy, over sensitive, English-is-my-second-language fairyness. The mind fair boggles.
"
Sound like me at times, lol.
I'd be saying you need to be honest with him. Explain how important communication is with him and ask him why he shy's away from discussing things.
Although in saying that, it is clear that I am no relationship expert and still learning.
Take care,
Antony
You know, I faced a similar (but maybe not as intense) thing when I first started going out with McBrad. I was constantly stressing for the first couple of months about his exes, whether he was serious about our relationship, etc etc, but then, I sat down and had a good chat to myself. All the actions were positive (just like your Fella) - I was seeing him all the time, we were going away for weekends, I had met most of his friends, we were talking about holidaying together...all the indications were that he had a long-term outlook for our relationship. And so I just relaxed a bit and let myself enjoy it without needing to hear him specifically state it. And you know what, he did eventually - without me prompting him. I think it can be just a different communication style, and also just our (yours and mine) inexperience in relationships. When push comes to shove, do you really need to know all that stuff up front? Or can you just sit back (or lie back) and enjoy this man that's obviously keen on you? The stuff will come out in good time, when he's ready to discuss it with you and I'm sure it will be all good!!! Big hug, I do know what you're going through and it will be all right!!! xxx
Unfair. That is unfair behaviour.
Either Fella is immature or he is selfishly witholding.
How long ago was Ex?
Fella isn't immature in teh sense he will not generally be phased by my angsty behavioru, but he is not keen to Talk. I think the ex became the ex in March or so. Managed to get him to Talk for a bit though and things seem to be sorted enough for me to go with the flow... as the next post will show :-)
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