20:57

On Friday just gone Fella joined me as a colleague’s farewell drinks job. Having someone I’m seeing meet friends and colleagues is something of a first for me, but I’m keen to do it with Fella because not only am I meeting many of his friends and co-workers, but also of course because he’s special!

While we were in the pub he and I got to talking. He confessed that I was not the only one who had been having what he termed ‘silly’ moments about the state of our relationship. He’d been worrying that he had overstayed his welcome by spending so much time at my place recently.

Now that to me was silly indeed, as I love having him at my place (or being with him anywhere). We hardly need to go into all the reasons for that, now do we? I assured him it was all fine and that there really was nothing to worry about at all.

It really was very endearing of him to tell me how he was feeling. He still maintains a bit of distance, though I perceive the gap is narrowing (I keep having to remind myself that it’s only been six weeks). On my part I will admit, gentle reader, that at the moment he confessed his ‘silliness’: right then at 8:57 pm BST on Friday 26 June 2009, I realised I would probably end up falling in love with him. Perhaps quite soon.

We didn’t get out of bed on Saturday until well after midday and I prepared stuffed croissants and champagne for us to have in the garden before we headed out to have some retail therapy. I bought myself some shoes, a bag, and some sunglasses – all under the supervision of Fella of course. And I bought him the latest Sugababes album as a present.

As I walked him to the Church he works in (as a concert manager) a massive thunderstorm erupted and we ended up getting soaked. Did we mind? Of course not. We walked down the road singing Sugababes songs (me! Singing in public! See the effect he has on me?) as the rain came down.

He really made an effort this weekend on so many levels I was, and am, touched. I doubt I’ll see him now till Friday coming, when he is going to cook me dinner at mine and the Wednesday after he’s meeting some very good friends of mine at Das Boot By which time I should have internet access at home and can regale you all the more frequently with my posts! But in the meantime I shall miss, as I always do very much when we are apart, sleeping with him in my arms as the bed now feels far too empty without him in it.

Temptation

Now that Fella and I are an item it does seem that eye candy is just everywhere. Are all the beautiful men solar powered? I’ve been quite put to shame by all the hotties on display.

Unfortunately this has led to Fella accusing me of having a roving eye; and that got me to thinking. Am I less or more likely to appreciate the male form now I’m comfortably in a relationship? As you well know, gentle reader, I have not since Darren been faithful/monogamous/able to keep my trousers on while seeing any of the guys between then and now. But with Fella it is different.

Of course, because fate likes a laugh as much as anyone, this means past dates and assignations past are cropping up all over the place. Remember the guy who did yoga? He got back in touch recently. The Portuguese guy with whom I had the best sex in the history of everything ever? He wants to go our for a drink at some point. Even a guy I had just-one-date with a while back started sniffing around. Plus of course I’m living with the Gardener and one of his ‘friends’ of our mutual acquaintance wants to move in. As Fella spends a couple of nights a week at mine now that seems a dreadful prospect to me (he doesn’t know you see…).

All quite tempting and of course at this stage of our relationship I am a horny little bugger. Fella stayed over last night unannounced so once again I find myself massively sleep deprived but raring to go at the same time. Nevertheless I intend to reserve myself for him only.

When it comes to temptation I think International is a good cautionary tale, don’t you agree? We’re still in touch and the other day he fairly strongly intimated he has himself a new Frumpella. That brought back a lot of guilty feelings about Ouch; and I would hate to play either role with Fella… even the thought of it makes me strangely sad.

I should add, just for clarity, all of these people have names of course – but I have found that using a guy’s name here on this blog almost invariably becomes the kiss of death for our relationship. It may be simple superstition, or something subconscious about the time it feels right to reveal said guy’s secret identity. But Fella will stay Fella, OK?

Trust

“The problem with this relationship is you don’t share my interest in not being with you” Homer Simpson to Marge.

Fortunately for me this make or break weekend resulted for Fella and I as a make! You can well imagine, gentle reader, my relief.

Perhaps that makes Frumpella seem like the scheming fairy… but I just decided that in this case it was worth the effort to try and fix things before I broke them. So knowing how much rested on this weekend I did go on a bit of a charm offensive to try and show I am witty and gay and all manner of delightful… but also to give him his space. A delicate balancing act, but when we met things seemed pretty good so I suppose it worked!

Anyway, after a pleasant drink, just the two of us, in town we went on to Dulwich for a friend’s party . I’ll admit that Fella earned himself some serious brownie points because everyone there knew me as his boyfriend which, you can understand, pleased me enormously. All in all it was a good night and I had a great time. And about 10pm while chatting to some people, him being some distance away, I looked at him across the room and had this… feeling. I can’t describe it but it was very… pleasant. I look forward to feeling it again.

Now, the thing about Fella and I (like most relationships at this early stage) is that a night together rarely involves enough sleep. So I suppose it was a bit risky (or conversely absolutely the perfect time) for us to Talk about Us on Sunday morning… but finally, in the right way, we did Talk. Not much was said, though it was all good: he doesn’t like me pushing how he feels so in return for not doing that he promised tat if something is ever wrong he will tell me. A good compromise!

So after everything we passed this little local nadir and all is well in Strumpetville. It seems for the first time in a long time I gots me a proper boyfriend. I don’t know how long it will last. I really don’t have any idea about ‘forever’. But I love the way he holds me so tight when we are asleep together; I’ve never been so stimulated physically by anyone before; and when he said on Sunday that I had the perfect amount of chest hair I melted a little inside (he likes to use my chest as a pillow and I most certainly do not complain).

No, I haven’t jumped off the cliff before now: so… here goes!!

Communication

Communication is, I am told, one of the most fundamental elements that make up any relationship. Fellow blogger Anthony is but one of many people who have given me some sound advice about communication in relationships; what to say, what not to say, and how to say it!

Now, consider if you will, gentle reader, my quandary. I am an introvert; raised in a dysfunctional family; was in the closet for way too long. I have very little relationship experience. When oh when was I supposed to learn how to communicate well?

And don’t think for a moment my communication problems in any way detract from my massive personality flaws. Oh no, anyone who sticks with me for even the smallest period of time is dancing through a veritable minefield of grumpy, frumpy, over sensitive, English-is-my-second-language fairyness. The mind fair boggles.

As I’m the angst ridden type who would prefer to wreck a relationship because then at least he knows where he stands, I fear that Fella and I have hit what may be described as a rocky patch. Though as it’s barely been a month “a rocky patch” might be doing our nascent relationship too much credit. Having said that let us focus on the good before we settle down for a nice long rant:

- we have lots of fun together;
- the sex is great;
- we’re doing lots of coupley things;
- we’re in virtually constant touch;
- I’ve managed to avoid the trap of getting thoroughly infatuated;

Oh yes, that’s right. I have managed not to take a flying leap off the cliff face, but instead stand on the edge considering whether the leap is worth my while this time. And that’s good, isn’t it?

But! Yeah… saw that coming, didn’t you?…

He won’t Communicate. By that I mean I know what he’s had for lunch and what his favourite colour is; yet he won’t acknowledge compliments, discuss his feelings or even reply to direct questions. We can’t do certain things – silly things; watch Family guy or listen to Bach – because of his ex. But he won’t talk about his ex. As I said before, I’m not asking for a declaration of undying love but this feeling that he’s constantly pulling back is beginning to get to me. I'm worried very much in particular he's on the rebound...

The only ‘solution’ I have is to go with the flow. I don’t know how to draw him out if he simply ignores a direct question; but I’m not so self assured that I can be just fine with it. So then, do I sit by irritated and try to let things pass or do I keep pushing. Both strategies have their risks. I’d like to keep seeing him to see if something develops; I’d prefer this not to be another two month angst-athon where all my friends patient wait for me to balls it up before my attention is drawn by the next guy, and the next guy, and the next guy. But I don’t know what else to do.

History

It’s been a few days, gentle reader, and I just know you’ve been on tenterhooks to find out more!! So where were we?

If you want to picture Fella and I, think of me as Chris Pine and Fella as Zachary Quinto… of course, Pine is far better looking than I – and Quinto holds nary a candle to my Fella’s loveliness. But you get the idea ;-)



Post the Star Trek Date Three, Date Four was dinner at my place. I was lucky to get any cooking done at all as things got a bit en flambé between us… but I managed to calm us down enough to do a lovely bit of pork in a wine and mushroom sauce that, gourmand though he is, Fella quite liked.

Tonight we’re at Date Five – going to see Drag Me to Hell. Fella’s spending the night at mine so that we can go straight on to Date Six; a party he’s been invited to...

You know what? I’m going to draw a line, stop saying we’re dating and just that we’re seeing each other. Though I’m still trying to keep it real (not quite a month since Date One after all) I will admit to a hint of the smittenesque about me. I have begun to feel a lot for him in a short space of time and, well, I’m amazed that he’s tolerated Yours Truly for this long.

I am trying to organise events to celebrate the period from 15 (one month since we met) to 24 June (two months since his first message) and introduce him to my friends. A first for me; but I’m meeting so many of his... Nothing particularly romantic – the London Acquarium; a Jack the Ripper Tour; the Baroque exhibition at the Victoria and Albert Museum – but as he’s already invited me to another party on 20 June I think that’s enough for those 10 days.

Of course with my communication style I may yet ruin it all. I really wish I knew how to say, in a good way:

- I’m not making a declaration of undying love;
- I do like you a lot;
- I enjoy spending time with you;
- that enjoyment includes, but is in no way limited to, rogering you silly;
- I really want to keep seeing you;
- I am a terribly flawed human being in far too many ways to mention now but;
- I promise I’ll get better at talking dirty;
- if you dump me I’ll burn your house down.

Ho hum. Give it time; perhaps the words will come.

Fortunately Fella is much more emotionally mature than I am and that gives me the space to make sure I like him and not just the idea of him liking me! A friend of mine has suggested that I am in love because I haven’t slept with anyone else for weeks. But the truth is I genuinely don’t want to. I’ve tactfully declined the other guys that were asking me for a date. I’ve even stopped flirting with the office eye-candy. I’ve never been monogamous with anyone since Darren but somehow it feels entirely natural with Fella. It helps that no-one has ever turned me on the way that he does.

So, in short, all continues fine in Strumpetville and for the future Frumpella keeps fingers (and toes) crossed!

Compass

On Wednesday Fella and I had our third date. We saw Star Trek (which was OK) and went for a few drinks before heading back to my place. Arriving just after midnight there was some awkwardness when Fella and The Gardener met in the hallway but after some brief introductions Fella and I disappeared upstairs and by various manner of means ‘=’ made us very late for work the next day.

So all rather lovely and wonderful at the moment. Plain sailing on smooth seas. I find myself very comfortable with him; I’m not used to sleeping while holding someone’s hand… with him it doesn’t bother me. Ironically Fella is not my type in any real way: artistic; extroverted; younger; etc. But then what I like goes deeper. I admire his work ethic. I admire his emotional maturity; I think most people would guess I am the younger of us two! I am also quite taken with how his extroversion is a façade protecting a very shy and thoughtful man.

So here we are, and I’m in pretty much in the same place I was before; I don’t know if he ‘likes’ me - although evidence to date would suggest he does. Does he sees me as someone he could have a Relationship with? I’m itching to know!!

On Friday I came as close as I dare to actually asking by emailing him to say that though it has only been three dates I am glad to have met him and whilst I would not presume he would wish to stay over *ahem* I invited him for dinner in the coming week; which he accepted . Hurrah!

I don’t have the experience or emotional maturity to work him/this/it out, that’s the problem. He referred to me on Wednesday as ‘the other half’ which pleased me enormously; and he’s very loving and attentive when we are alone. But it remains the case that day-to-day his interest is inversely proportionate to mine. Ignoring him draws him out; pursuing him leads to dismissal.

That, however, I put down to nothing more sinister than a wish to take things slowly, and I remain determined to do the same; let things develop at their own pace. So I am working hard to ensure I don’t get infatuated or say/do something silly to ruin it all. It’s an intriguing dynamic and I’ve never been in a similar emotional, sexual or interpersonal paradigm before [Frumpella uses big words today]. Quite the tightrope to walk when one is a one-man-idiot. What I’m thinking of now is how to push things to the next level by doing romantic things to subtly drive matters in the direction I would prefer (and hopefully he too).

I have been asked out on dates by others and I probably will meet them; it’s been less than a month since Fella and I met, three dates and a bit of fun don’t exclusivity make. Yet. Nevertheless, I will admit I’ve gone off sex with random guys for the time being. It’s quite a different sea I’m adrift on this time, gentle reader. I just need to define a heading.

Silent running

For the time being I could be off the blog-piste, gentle reader. I can’t write blog posts at work and the transfer of my internet service to the new place may take some time. So, in a cliffhangeresque summary of current themes; “previously in Strumpetville” if you will – Here’s where it’s at!

Work: I think the cartoon below summarises the two main issues at my workplace. I’m busy, the aporkalypse marches on (September won’t be pretty, They tell me) and my transfer onto new projects continues apace. Today a colleague asked me about glamping – glamorous camping – purely on the basis of Frumpella being a gayer; I coldly informed them that we abhor the cliché. I will have to write a blog post some time about attitudes to homosexuality where I work. It’s a mixed, overall unproblematic bag. But sometimes things happen.


Sex. If you’ll pardon the pun, not a sausage for nearly a week. A week!! That’s so unlike me. Of course, I’ve been busy – distracted by moves and work and other things. But this brings us on to:

Dating: Not much happening there either – though that’s my fault. The only thing is Fella. He and I are going to the cinema on Wednesday, and as ever he remains a closed book to me. We’re going to see Star Trek, because I want to; which is sweet. At the weekend he kept calling me sweetheart which… is nice. But is it Nice? And after the film he’s invited himself over to my new place; but he doesn’t live in London so work, plus film, plus tour of new digs = breakfast I reckon. But what happens at ‘=’? Fella is a mystery man but for now I am content to be swept along by this current to see what harbour comes into view. I shall take nothing for granted.

The last big push of the move will be completed b the end of the week. I was in the new place tonight and I must admit I feel it is very cosy. We like! But it will be some time before all my services are up and running so there acould be a gap between posts. Of course I’ll do it ASAP – might borrow a friend’s computer, might break the rules at work… and to that end I need to think about how a guy with a face for radio and a voice for mime can start doing the occasional video post. Well, there’s always jazz hands :-)