Two dollar banjo

In my last post I discussed a 20 year old guy I encountered via OUT who seemed a bit cynical and down about dating and getting out there – and how keen I was for him not to fritter his youth away. Well, the next night – last night – I was due to go out on a date but it was cancelled on the flimsy pretext of a murder or something. Anyway, I found myself with time on my hands and said guy contacted me so we ended up meeting for a drink.

... well…

I’m afraid one thing led to another and before I knew it things were progressing down Fuzunjulation Avenue at a very rapid pace.

Am I showing off now? No. I’m actually taking pause for a bit of a stock take, because there are a range of things I’ve been thinking about since:

Age: Ten years younger than me is far too young. For me going the other way is not a problem; the greatest age difference between me and any guy I’ve dated (and the rest) is 24 years my senior; I currently have my eye on a rather dishy 41 year old that I’m patiently trying to tempt out for a date. Though I have had casual assignations over the last few months with some guys in their early 20s, perhaps I’m looking for someone older to be in a relationship with because of my lack of experience in that area?

Flavour: I’m adventurous but pure vanilla, and am happy with that. I was thinking a today about guys who seem happy just to acquire notches on the bedpost and… OK, I’ve been a bit like that. But this guy really isn’t vanilla; make no mistake. How does someone that age learn they’re into that kind of stuff? Not that I can really describe said ‘stuff’ here… we can applaud the adventurous spirit though I suppose. But I am now shocked; although I’ve never really had a problem indulging other people’s tastes (in fact I derive most pleasure form pleasing The Other) this was somewhat further than I have travelled down that road before.

Played. That’s what I feel has happened. All this ‘I’m not into one night stands’ et al – but as soon as it happens he doesn’t want to know me any more – he’s made quite clear he got what he came for. It makes me feel like a dirty old perv and a naïve teenager all at the same time.

The unique combination of youth and cynicism. This is one of the first things I’ve turned to my newly acquired gay friends to discuss. Of course, life being that thing that it is, the ‘two degrees of separation’ issue came to light very quickly and now some of them are looking at me in a very new light indeed.

Memo to self: learn self control.

Augustus Princepus

Recently on OUT there was a poll about the traits members found most attractive in a man. You wanna see the list? Here’s the list:

intelligence;
consideration;
liberalism;
generosity;
self-deprecation;
inquisitiveness;
good manners;
a nice smile;
nice eyes;
‘down to earth’;
approachable;
sensitive;
reliable;
interested in others;
brave;
broad-minded;
empathetic;
environmentally conscious;
sincere;
humorous;
humility;
emotional intelligence;
curiosity;
‘miscibility’.

I’m not brave really, and I don’t have a nice smile at all. Apart from that I embody in some way most of the list. Not all the time though; catch me on a bad day and… well, I could care less about my carbon footprint! I’m not sure either if I fully represent “the ability of two liquids to mix and form a homogenous solution” but I try. Anyway one of the most important things about this list is that some of my dates contributed to it. Thanks for the tips guys ;-)

No, I think my problem is a certain emotional immaturity – and being a frumpy baggage of course. It is interesting though that the obvious physical characteristics are absent from the above list – and the louche certainly.

Speaking of which Date 1 was due to occur today but just as I was about to go shopping for a new posh-frock to wear when I met him, he cancelled on me. This has annoyed me somewhat as I was quite looking forward to a night out. Now I’m going to be a bit domestic and will probably have an early night. BOO! Well, at least I’ll have plenty of beauty sleep for Date 2.

Last night I was chatting to his guy who was about 20 and who said he hadn’t been on a date for a year and hadn’t enjoyed his conjugals for longer than that. I tried to get him to go out and enjoy himself but he seemed to think that, to quote him, he was ‘Plan B’ to most guys. I think it is really sad that someone so young is hiding himself away – I’m hardly able to offer advice about the search for Herr Recht but naturally I do think he should enjoy his youth to the fullest possible extent. He is quite a looker too – far too young for me of course, though he was very complimentary about my profile.

As for me, I’m going to enjoy my dates as and how they come and – though miffed about being cancelled – I’m going to enjoy the month of August and still intend take a well deserved break from being boyfriend-hunting. Instead I shall [try to] enjoy my peri-birthday period on its own merits! Of course there's always eye-candy... memo to self: become gorgeous.

Ramblings

If misadventure has only made darker the abyss then we must shine the light into the dark places and see if real adventure lurks within.

This weekend was marvellous and fun packed virtually entirely sans les hommes. On Saturday a couple of old [high] school friends came to visit me which was fantastic. It really had been years, though the medium of email and Facebook has allowed us to keep in touch. We did the touristy thing and went on the London Eye, which I quite enjoyed though I loath heights; and slowly but surely we wended our way back to mine for champers – though I had not cleaned as I didn’t think they’d want to come all the way to my flat so that was a bit mortifying.

Sunday I had a brief and, sadly, quite unfulfilling assignation with a couple of nice chaps not too far from chez moi; then afterward I joined a couple of neighbours sunning themselves in Greenwich Park which was fun. I’m probably lobsterlicious after all that sun but it was such a nice weekend it’s worth it. And to top it all off my friend and former date 'D' got back in touch after a mammoth six-week strop because I didn't want to see Prince Caspian with him!

As for the coming week: I have arranged four dates over the next seven days (and there’s another guy I’m trying to get a date from, and another who I will go out with at some point after the coming week) so I’m definitely getting back out there. I’m trying not to do the ‘rebound’ thing but I suppose one of the OK things about Mark is that, in a way, I had to get over him whilst still, at least nominally, being with him. Either way I suspect my extraordinary ability to get infatuated with a guy will not yet have been exhausted.

Hmmm. I really do need that new naming convention.

But then how to get any of them into full-on relationship territory? People say “just be yourself”. I mean, for crying out loud! “Just be yourself” is a stock answer to anything to do with relationships, or any interaction with another person in life.

“How do I get my date to like me?” – “Just be yourself”

“How do I succeed at the interview?” – “Just be yourself”

“The islanders are about to sacrifice me to appease Great Eke-P’tang Wa, the fiery volcano god. What do I do?” - “Just be yourself”

If just being myself worked then I would be happily ensconced in some love nest somewhere blog-less and sore!

Still, If I’m not the answer then perhaps it is the question being asked that is wrong; after all twilight is sunrise on the other side of the world.

Enjoy White Ninja!

Roar!

I just want to be in the same room as him; to watch with him the sun set and hold him in my arms until, and beyond, it rises again. I want to cup his face in my hands and kiss his lips and say, staring into his eyes, without prevarication or dubious intent exactly what he means to me.

But as that is never, ever going to happen let these words be an end to it. The deed is done and the invisible boyfriend is now as unknown as he was unseen.
_________________

I was out tonight at a friend’s birthday drinks and a good time was had by all. She kindly let me know she had invited along a friend who is a single gay man – from, of all places, Guildford – but he and I never really got a chance to speak... However, being slightly the worse for wear I insisted nonetheless that he and I be fixed up at the earliest possible opportunity! You see, gentle reader, it is my birthday soon enough and back on the market I intend to enjoy myself!

I’m extraordinarily fond of being a Leo, and this is the time of year when I usually let my hair down and enjoy myself slightly more than the mean. Admittedly this year that might take some doing *ahem* but timing is everything! And in that regard I do not intend to look for a boyfriend, Mr Right, or variations on that theme thereto until at least September.

I have already lined up two dates next week; Tuesday and Thursday – and I have two other guys pursuing me for similar in the near future. Plus, I have been lucky enough to arrange a baser event with a charming couple in Eltham, not far from where I live, for Sunday evening. Yup: back in the saddle I am…

Going back to tonight, and apologies for the rambling nature of this post, but I done drunk me a fair bit of ye olde beer and along the way; I sat in the pub and laughed so long and so hard my cheekbones still ache. Plus I learnt what (click the link at home) ‘tromboning’ was.

I had my interview on Thursday and first thing this morning I was offered the post – which I gladly accepted. I think, assuming my health screen and references go OK, that I will genuinely miss seeing every day the people that have become my best friends over the last five years, and having evenings like tonight. And although my ‘new’ job is literally just around the corner it will never, ever be the same. In a sense I’m walking away from the people that embraced me when I first came out and that’s really hard.

Ach du Liebe

I’m down in the dumps gentle reader :-(

Here I am in sunny Guildford and whatever misbegotten wretch came up with the fiendish torture that is the Holiday Inn here deserves the very special circle of Hell that is even now being prepared. But worse than that – and this is the bit where you roll your eyes and *sigh* - it’s been 10 days since I heard from Mark, who’s clearly upgraded to some kind of pan-dimensional hyper-invisibility that mere mortal like me could never hope to comprehend. Well, three hectic 14 hour days and very little sleep or personal time took its toll and – so ashamed I can barely whisper it – I had to take a little break this afternoon to have an ickle tearful moment in the loos. I’m just beginning to think that, however upsetting it will be – and wow, will it ever be! - I need to be prepared to let him go. Even typing it makes my stomach flutter, but there we are. The pain train’s a-coming…. Who knows, maybe he’ll call just the very minute I publish this! Bet you a billion Zimbabwean dollars?

Awww, anyway, I hardly have time to dwell on things at the moment: I must prepare properly for my interview on Thursday morning; I have drinks Thursday night; I’m double booked on Friday; and I have friends staying over the weekend. As I mentioned to a friend tonight, I’m just miserable because I’m too busy to be miserable!

I’m a bit worried I won’t really have time to make myself 100% beautiful before the interview – I know I won’t have time for a haircut and I really do need to buy a new shirt from somewhere on the way home tomorrow. A new suit won’t be possible either, thought my workaday posh-frock isn’t in too bad a condition and I have new shoes anyway. Just the beauty sleep I need now, which is why I excused myself from my Guildford team’s based shenanigans tonight and am having some quiet grumpy me-time with some white wine from the mini-bar that, judging by the taste and price, is petrol based.

Hmm. What else is new?

Well, there is a guy I have been chatting to on OUT who, somewhat worse for wear, messaged me the other night to write how attractive and nice I am. I guess he doesn’t know me like you do gentle reader ;-)

Tonight he messaged to apologise for being overly personal and explained “But having said that, you do look attractive! I really fall for people who are kind, gentle… intelligent, funny and decent… If they have these things, I'm become hopelessly attracted.”.

How to reply… how to reply… maybe this one could be the next ex-Mr Right!

Hogzilla Vs the Invisible Boyfriend

Today I feel like a million dollars. Unfortunately it’s a million Zimbabwean dollars. I have been awoken by a neighbour’s car alarm far too early (which is not good for my Rage), and today I must make the final preparations for… Guildford! At least that should provide some distraction. I spend, these days, a great deal of time thinking about Mark, and while I was out and about yesterday endless thoughts of him led me down a kind of Memory Lane of my own ‘sex-life’.

Being out now it’s difficult to reconcile the cognitive dissonance I handled in my youth. And a misspent youth it was too thanks to my neglectful parents (who were far too busy concentrating on other things to pay attention to what I was getting up to). From 14 I was frequently out all night; 15 I was regularly getting drunk and out clubbing all weekend; and 16 I was spending several days away at a time unchallenged and unapologetic. You would think I might have been a bit more adventurous with my sex life, and sexuality. But no; the first time I held hands with a boy we were both 15 and it was, of all places, in the computer suite at school. First time I had a sex with a man I was 17 and it was in the cupboard under the stairs at a party [charming]. Even at university there was only the very occasional assignation – if anything I was ‘meeting’ fewer men than when I was in high school. What a pity.

So, I suppose it isn’t really surprising I spent some months making up for lost time. And, to be honest, I’ve indulged pretty much every fantasy (with mixed results!). A couple remain but the fact of the matter is simple logistics make exploring those somewhat unlikely. Anyway, I now at least very much know what I like!

But now I have me a boyfriend and he’s the only one for me, be he never so invisible and inattentive. Of course, I’m still trying to expand my social network as well though, with the odd setback. A guy I met last night, for example, thought for some reason I was trying to sell him cocaine. Two steps forward, one step back – and all with my foot in my mouth. Quite the contortionist am I!

On Friday night I had two distinct dreams about Mark. In the first he was having a cigarette and he invited me to have one and I remember saying I couldn’t join him because if I started smoking again it would kill me. Hidden meaning?

In the second he called me and wanted to see me because something had happened and he was very upset and I was so pleased I was the person he turned to, to feel better again.

Fidelity to Mark is not in itself a problem. Yet after seven weeks of… this… I wish, I wish, I wish, we were spending more time together. I’ve been reduced to emailing my diary for the next two weeks in the hope he’ll find some room for me!

I’m beginning to wonder how at ease or confident he is in this relationship. I have no experience to speak of really but – perhaps he doesn’t know how to handle this any more than I do. Maybe I’m not giving him the right signals or something? I would hate to ruin this because of some silly thing that I do, which is one hell of a mental straightjacket.

He makes me happy. This relationship doesn’t. Help!

Maybe I should be more like the cat in this. Watch it. Watch it! Did you watch?

Vanilla

Though made of angels and demons in unequal measure, what I am and ever shall be is vanilla, the various shenanigans detailed within this blog notwithstanding.

However I did think this truck stop on the road to love would be the time to describe in more detail the dating, chat, and cruising (yes, it’s true) websites I’ve joined and that are listed amongst the general gubbins on the right hand side of this page.

As an aside cruising in the traditional sense is something I haven't done since I came out. I am very lucky, I think, that since then the internet let me cruise and be cruised from the comfort of my own home. My experiences of that could lead to an interesting discussion about what – in this world of webcams, mobiles and instant messaging – exactly sex is. But let us savour the unsavoury prospect of that discussion, gentle reader, at another time.

Where to begin?

Well, let us start with gaydar. It’s a cruising site; I would generally dive straight into the chat rooms, pick someone up and that would be that. It’s a place to go if you want to have sex with men without too much fuss and with absolutely no strings attached. It is a well done website, with profiles, messaging, instant messaging, chat-rooms and, well virtually everything your heart, soul and baser nature could desire.

I have met there some genuinely nice people who have become not ‘lovers' but friends and indeed there is a community undercurrent if you look hard enough for it. But, in the final analysis gaydar = sex, and there you will almost certainly get some. Membership is very inexpensive but most of the site’s features are available in some form free.

Next then is my most favouritest man-web-place, OUT. NOT for sex, no sir. Or at least not obviously so; I’ve had my fair share of assignations, I must admit. It is, however, first and foremost a great ‘community’ site. Forums, messaging and real-word activities. It is also generally pretty work safe, depending of course on where you work. I’ve made quite a few friends off that site and it is where most of my actual proper date dates have been had, as opposed to casual hook-ups. OUT really isn’t for that kind of thing, though as indicated it can happen. It is a pay site but isn’t too expensive, and you get an honest-to-God membership card too!

As for explicit dating – Guardian Soulmates. It’s at the pricier end of the market and, cheekily, it is free to access messages but you have to pay a membership fee before you can reply. Having said that I met Mark there, and it came recommended by a friend so it must be quite good for anyone looking for romance.

In complete contrast Squirt is a total meat market. No romance there, oh no. It is like a smaller version of gaydar, but it has some useful additional features, including video-chat and video-chat rooms – though as you can imagine people seem rarely to use them for 'chat'!! Also, if someone sends you a message the site notifies you by email (whereas with gaydar you have to log in and check). Thirdly, members can rate each other according to their experiences. Here's a remarkably flattering example (that was posted some time after the event I would hasten to add):

Again there is a small membership fee, but not too onerous. I guess the main difference with gaydar is that Squirt is much more explicit BUT at the same time you’re much less likely to get anywhere. What I mean by that is that there are lots of guys who promise the Earth and then fail to deliver – to the point where I often have agreed to accommodate someone for an assignation entirely secure in the knowledge they simply won’t turn up. Great banquests I have planned only to end up with egg and chips *sigh*. Having said that I consistently have had a, well, let’s say broader range of experiences via Squirt than via gaydar. So on balance I would recommend joining, but as one of a few sites rather than just that one.

Parship is another dating site. Purely dating. Interestingly it searches for likely matches based on a psychometric profile, and it does not allow you to pick your own user name or let you show profile picture. You may, though, write something about yourself to go with your psychometric profile that is accessible to others on the site. Should someone be interested they will contact you, or you can contact someone who interests you. Only at that time can you reveal your secret identity and show your face. I’ve found it to be a relatively ‘slow’ site, but then I’ve not really concentrated on it and generally I think you get out of all these sites what you put in. Overall it's worth a whirl!

Queer Personals does a good job of striking a balance between community, dating and cruising aspects. It’s quite new but seems to be growing fast and for the moment is totally free. Consciously taking the best bits from most of the sites listed above I would recommend people join it and help it to grow; as it is so new I think there is a genuine opportunity to effect the site’s development. It caters to members' needs a bit better than most of the other sites I've mentioned and I think it is highly suitable for younger gay men in particular.

And the rest? Fitlads and Gay Date are mere footnotes and fripperies to this post. There’s nothing much to say about them; whether you seek the l’amour or le petit mort, try the other sites above before you go there.