Friday, 19 February 2010


Sometimes I worry about the state of my relationship with Fella. Don’t get me wrong, I love him to bits and while we have one or two real Issues to contend with generally things have been very good.

A while ago a very kind reader left a comment about the difficult eight to 12 month stage in a relationship, and at the time I gave it little thought but the whooshing noise our nine month milestone made as it went past has filled what might be considered a thoughtful pause.

On Wednesday Fella and I talked about where we are at the moment. We agreed that the novelty value of our relationship is wearing off – but that in itself is no bad thing. I tried to get a reassurance that he spends every Wednesday at mine because he wants to, not because he feels he has to – but that didn’t work so my fears are not allayed as well I had intended. Having said that we have a perfectly lovely evening and all was well.

The of course today, and we come to the crux of the matter gentle reader. Normally Fella and I email and text each other over the course of the day. It’s all perfectly banal; but it makes up in some ways for the fact we only have half the week or so together.

On my part it is sometimes difficult given how busy I can be at work [yawn] but I always Make The Time. Because Fella is absolutely the most important thing.

Today I emailed, texted, phone his mobile and his office in an attempt to get in touch. Over the course of the day when I hadn’t heard from him I began to get increasingly concerned – really quite worried. I recognise there’s a good measure of paranoia in there, but I was filled with all manner of dark thoughts. He’s ill. He’s been kidnapped. *Gasp* he’s found this blog!!

So, to cut a long story short, I decided to go up to the Church where he is working tonight and see him in person to check what’s up.

On arrival, when I ask, he simple tells me he was “too busy” to reply to me.

Well… good then. I’m a little shocked if truth be told. The purpose of this post therefore is not to air my dirty laundry in public – but rather to think out loud about WTF that’s all about.

I’m somewhat on the back foot; unsure how best to go about tackling what I think is pretty shabby treatment. Of course he doesn’t have to email me at all if he’d rather not. He’s under no real obligation to communicate total twaddle in the day. But a simple “I’m too busy to talk today, speak later X” should not be too much to ask. What I really don’t expect is being totally ignored when I specifically explain I’m very concerned and need to know that he’s OK.

Well, he’s on his way over here now for the customary start to our weekend. I don’t want a row, but then I don’t think I can leave it. What a tightrope to walk!


Volodya/Vlad said...

Oh my. Well, my 5 cents - sometimes things like that happen. Think of it this way, what would you prefer, to be busy enough to ignore texts/emails for a day, or to be a really clingy creature entirely depending on you? as for myself, sometimes when I am busy I switch off the sound on my mobile, or switch it off at all. sometimes I mean to reply and then something urgent happens and I totally forget. a couple of times it created tension, but soon we both agree that it's not something to be too upset about. Mike, usually I am on your side when you describe your disagreements with Fella, but now I simply beg you to relax and not worry too much about that. x

headbang8 said...


This is just one man's opinion. You can choose to ignore it. It's simply my point of view.

Demanding a constant stream of reassurance shows, well, insecurity.

Busy at work. During working hours. Doesn't seem outrageous to me.

If my other half felt that I had treated him shabbily because I'd spent my day actually concentrating on my job, I'd politely point out that lives are full of many things, of which love is a part. An important part, but only a part.

This sounds a little codependent. And that's the first step to being an enabler to whichever sort of dysfunction he may find himself prey to. (Say..drinking too much? I think I dropped you a rather hard-nosed comment about that some time ago)

I mean this comment with the greatest respect to you and Fella. But the most important person in your life, no matter how much you love him, is you. Love between two strong, responsible adults is based on healthy self-esteem and independence.

MadeInScotland said...

perhaps he feels confident enough in the relationship not to have to have that contact with you; but then, if he considers you, he would see from your side that you need/want to hear from him...

and you could go round and round and round...

be as you are and allow him for as he is...


Nik_TheGreek said...

Mike, the whole point of blogging is to communicate your worries and fears.
I hope you managed to talk through about what's going on and sorted it out.

Rob said...

Have you read that book, "He's Just Not That Into You?" What you described in your post are the classic signs. Sorry!
Rob in Oz

Antony said...

I think it was me who commented about the 8-12 month rough patch.

I think you both need to communicate when your both not stressed. You need to tell him how you feel and allow him to explain.

Then I'd suggest that you both discuss expectations - what you both expect from one another.

A x

Mike said...

Thanks all, yet again! You'll see from the next post that all is well and I di a wee bit of growing up over the whole issue. Quite an epiphany actually... but suffice it t osay I think hew IS that into me! :-)