Friday, 11 December 2009

A cup of good cheer

I’m here at about midnight. Fella is asleep. All is quiet. Nevertheless, it has been, to say the least, a rough night.

He likes a drink; we both do. But when he’s had too much Fella becomes uncontrollable. It’s so simple to write it but…

Tonight he really got drunk and then, in the blink of an eye, he collapsed, right there. On the floor of the bar. Unrousable, his lack of consciousness led me to call an ambulance; his friends were in tears, the other customers in the bar half-indifferent, half-concerned. The paramedics came and them the ambulance. Before they had arrived a local doctor turned up; had all manner or equipment down Fella’s throat and just about managed to rouse him by digging into his hands with his car keys.

After Fella was brought onto the ambulance he recovered; but it wasn’t him. He attacked all three members of the ambulance crew; I wouldn’t have believed it had I not been there to see it. I was lucky to get him off the ambulance before they called the police. He then marches without further ado, off into the city, I have no clue where he’s going except that it is in exactly the wrong direction… this of course is when I get stressed and a stressed Frumpella is nobody’s friend! So we really rowed, right there on Fleet Street. And at the train station I got him to. And on the train. And in the taxi at the other end.

Sometimes I really dread going out with Fella, when I know he’s going to drink. I know he’s got problems, but I don’t quite know what to do. Am I a total bastard to think I should not be a slave to this? That perhaps there are limits? I'm frightening myself with such thoughts. We exist in the zeitgeist, my Fella and I, with booze... and possibly something else, according to the professionals whose night we ruined.

The thing that really hurt me most – and I’ll be honest, we both said things, is that Fella doesn’t believe me when I say I love him. But I do, I do, so much.

He’s asleep now. He won’t remember any of this when he wakes up. He never does. I might regret writing this down for all to see but I can trust you, gentle reader. The thing is, the strange thing; for all of this, I would far rather this evening with him than, well, anything else. And he doesn’t believe that I love him!!! So how do I prove my love and improve my love? Goshdarn - it's time to sleep.


MadeInScotland said...

Gosh, I have to think about that for you....

Nik_TheGreek said...

Mike. I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. I can't even begin to think how you felt / feeling like...
I don't have a specific advice to give you. I know though that sharing what's troubling you is never bad.
Can you check online for proper advice on how to deal with it? If Fella has (some) alcoholic issues, you might find ways on how to make him see it and even try to get some help.
Can you try doing things together that do not include drinking (not very easy I know, especially during holiday season)?
I really feel for you.

headbang8 said...


One of thetenets of the recovery movement is that one ought never give unsolicited advice, nor ever to say "you should" to another.

If the following comes across with too much "should", forgive me. I can only share from my own experience with two alcoholic grandfathers and a dry-drunk father. As well as the women who apologised for them, got them home, and cleaned up their messes. That is, enabled them.

If one blacks out more than a handful of times in one's drinking life, I understand it signals the possibiliity of alcoholism. If it happens regularly, then it's a strong possibility.

The fact that a spouse enjoys a drink or three, and a well-earned hangover from time to time, doesn't mean that he or she has no right to point out that the alcoholic's drinking harms those he loves.

Low self-esteem intertwines with addictions. No wonder the alcoholic sometimes has difficulty believing he is worthy of love, or that his loved ones are sincere when they profess it.

Programmes like Al-Anon advise that his loved ones are just as powerless over the disease of alcoholism as the alcoholic is.

Often, ending up one morning in a gaol cell with no recollection of the nght before, serves as a wake up call, literally and figuratively. It's not a spouse's job to keep hubby out of gaol. If he's violent enough to worry a tough paramedic, he's violent enough to harm even those he loves. You would be justified in protecting yourself.

For many of us with an alcoholic loved one, the real challenge remains to keep the focus on one's self. His drinking is not about you, personally. You don't have to prove you love him, so that he stops, or changes. He has to do it of his own accord.

Again, it is hardly my place to make a judgement. Nor to offer advice. That's your call.

Drop me an email if you'd like to chat. And if you'd prefer not to publish this comment, I understand perfectly.

Gauss Jordan said...

Wow. I'm sorry you're going through that. I've witnessed similar things with others over the last couple of years. I'm not sure how I'd handle that; I've had friends pass out on me in a bar, and even wander out the door (in the wrong direction), but never wake up with a different personality.

etre-moral-etre-sincere said...

Oh my, that sounds intense. I am keeping my fingers crossed. Mike, all you need is patience, and I think you've got enough of it to handle it wisely. Good luck!

Mike said...

Hi all. Thanks for the advice. I think I'm a little clearer on what has happened. Part of the problem I'm to only common factor between Those Who Love Him and Those Who Drink With Him, so I'm out on a limb a bit. Perhaps he does need to have a Crisis. Maybe he doesn't. But if anyone has any good links (advice, treatment etc) I'd be happy to share them on the blog.

Antony said...

We all have flaws and a darker side to ourselves, that's what makes us human.

I understand how your feeling, having been in a simliar situation in the past myself.

You need to be honest with him. Tell him how you feel, although not when he's hung over.

We can all have that issue of not understanding why someone loves us or indeed believing that someone can love us for who we are. A insecurity or self-esteem thing.

I guess my way forward would be to be totally honest about what happened and how you felt about it. Then you both need to communicate and come up with some ground rules / boundaries. Consider:

1. Some sort of limit alcohol wise for you both?

2. Perhaps not going out together? (Drinking wise)

3. Perhaps do alternative activities (cinemas, meals with only a few drinks, etc.)

4. How your both going to manage the 'party season' e.g. Christmas and New Year?

Hope that helps on some level?

Hugs and love,

A x x

Mike said...

Ah total honesty. A good idea; but one that I shy from insticintively. Make of that what you will. I think in fact you are right. But it will be ahuge fight when I sit him down. So give m
e a little bit of time OK??

Oh, and PLEASE keep the advice coming :-)