Saturday, 12 June 2010

What’s next...

Some things, once said, cannot be unsaid and cause such damage there is no going back.

So Fella made his choice; the booze over me. Well, it's a decision and – on every level – I asked for it. What else could I do? I asked Fella for his keys and advised him to contact some friends he could stay with. When I got home I packed up his stuff and put it to one side, in preparation for handing it over in over the next couple of days. I went on Facebook to update my relationship status, but somehow it felt so... final, I couldn't quite do it. I texted some friends for a bit of short term sticking-plaster support.

The Gardener, unaware of the situation, let Fella in. Rather than have him wander the streets in a drunken state I decided to let him sleep on the floor. And on Saturday morning he went to get his hair done, and to give me some space, to think about whether we should talk when he got back.

So we talked.

Fella said my new willingness to just end the relationship was, as he put it, a 'wake up call' and he was willing to go tee-total if that was what it takes for our relationship to work. I expressed my doubts about his ability to do this, as I'd asked him to moderate his consumption in the past. And in fact I would have never asked him to stop drinking all together; but I would ask him to bear in mind how much he's eaten (or not); how much other people are drinking; how he will get home safely... As an aside my illness has moved to a point where I shall soon be unable to drink alcohol at all, but that I shall post about shortly.

What needs to be worked on is the underlying cause of his drinking. What makes a man so insecure that he turns, through drink, from someone acknowledged as charming, intelligent, giving and witty, into someone universally acknowledged as a bit of a dick. What also needs to be worked on is how I deal with things and how I can support him going forward. What needs to be restored is a level of trust; we can still have a good time together, we can enjoy ourselves.

Where we left it is that we're still very much together, and still planning to move in together, but this endless cycle has to... end. Fella, it seems, wants to be happy but in a world where happiness is the default and attractive though that is we're in a place where I think it has to be worked at quite hard now.

I imagine it seems, at least a little bit, to you gentle reader like I'm flogging a dead horse. But I see quite the reverse. We have, admittedly through a crisis, reached a point where we have agreed our problems and agreed to work through them, together. No guarantees of course, but our relationship is built on a strong foundation and we have a real love I would not want to throw away. I'm not afraid of being single, but I also know how I feel when Fella walks into a room.

So what's next? Stay tuned...


MadeInScotland said...


Sorry to hear this. Only you can judge and guide, but if you want my frank opinion - you flagged the signs months before and I commented and thought that there was one way it would go.

To be honest, it's pain now or later; it's perfectly valid to fight for and try and save something, but it's not your fight. Fella is the one who has to put in the effort and fight.

I doubt your "crap" communication is to blame. I doubt you are a crap communicator at all.

Immediately things may improve, but you know what, I really fear that you will be there again, and again. And again.

Ask yourself how many times have you been there already?

I hate being so negative when you are looking for the positive. But what does your gut tell you?

Sorry this may not help. But it's what I think you need to face up to....


Nik_TheGreek said...

You know best.
My only advice to you is to make Fella get some help from professionals as well. I agree that the only solution is to stay clear from alcohol all together. Cutting back is not enough.
Good luck...
I wish to you all the best. You must be going through some tough times at the moment...

Mike said...

It is true that this has been coming to a head for some time now. And in many respects it is my failure to communicate at the core of moving forward so slowly.

Pain now or later... that's a tough one. I suppose my response is to withdraw into my shell and say... pain later, then. Yes, I suspect we will be here again (and again!) that's a big risk. And it may destroy us both, individually, or separately...

I appreciate the advice and so adore you for giving it. But I have chosen to be a fool; I will not give up the only real relationship I've ever had so far; not yet; and - if I can help it - not ever. So, stay tuned. Please keep helping me, if you can... and thank you :-)

Paul Brownsey said...

"But his inability to enjoy a social situation without drinking to excess had at that point gone just too far."

Does he actually *like* social situations? I have the impression that a good deal of the relationship goes in in public, among groups of friends. Could it be that he doesn't like that and would really prefer to sit in at home? Or does he booze at home, too?


MadeInScotland said...

it's your decision, and what you decide I hope for the best.

You will try the best to make it work, but Mike, should it not, it is not you.

There is more I could say, but it is not conducive to your decision...

Stay strong, and DO NOT SELF DOUBT.


Mike said...

I don't think Fella likes social situations very much - a cojfidence thing. He does drink a lot at home, but that's "safe". My concern stems in part from the risk of homophobic attack, mugging etc - it has happened but on that score I suspect I overreact. Nevertheless I am resolute: this needs to be dealt with or it is over. That's square one to rebuilding trust. Stay tuned indeed!!

Antony said...


I don´t think your flogging a dead horse. From a logical point of view most people would say you and him should split up.

However we all know life isn´t black and white and when feelings are invested in a relationship it can be difficult.

You´ve both made the first step in communicating. Now see what happens. You´ve been honest which is all you can do. He´s got to take his issues on board and deal with them. You can advice and support but essentially he must put his words in to action.

Take care,

A x