Research

You may remember, gentle reader, that I am doing a research degree in public policy. I am nearing the end of my studies now, and in fact only have a few lectures left before it’s all done. Studying, classes, projects, revising… they all keep me busy. I’ve loved it and it’s really taught me invaluable skills and opened up my horizons. Bargain.

Of course there is one element left – my dissertation.

It is very important for me to do my dissertation research on an LGBT themed topic. Having tried to do my projects and essays on LGBT-relevant areas I’ve been amazed, and somewhat frustrated by the lack of data out there.

It seems general social research isn’t exploring how the issues it tackles affect LGBT people, or where this is done it isn’t done consistently. This means different research can’t easily be compared because different questions are asked, or there aren’t enough LGBT people taking part in a research project to make populations comparable.

So where does my dissertation come in?

I posted a while back about wanting to look at the behaviours of men in civil partnerships to see if they tended to display less risky behaviour. I wanted to use the data collected by sigma research who do a fantastic sexual health survey. They collect the data, but don’t look at that question themselves. Sadly, whilst acknowledging it is an interesting question they refused to share their data with me.

So, being me, I decided what the hell-crap-damn – I’ll collect my own data. Ha! Take that wise, and experienced researchers!

My dissertation proposal has been signed off, although I am looking at a wider range of life experiences to see how these impact on behaviours and social attitudes. I’ve started an advertising campaign using banner ads on some LGBT websites, and flyers to hand out, which mean I should reach about 250,000 gay and bisexual men. With luck that will get me at least few hundred responses.

I’m very very excited and can’t wait get my hands on some data to get modelling. It should all be done by the beginning of September and in the meantime while people are completing my online research questionnaire I will be doing a lot of background reading which will have the added advantage of expanding my horizons about issues affecting gay people.

It would be remiss of me, of course, not to plug my research questionnaire… so if you are a gay or bisexual man, or a man who has sex with men – and you are resident in the UK – then you are more than welcome to take part at www.shrodis.com. It’s completely anonymous and every response is appreciated J  

Once apon a time

Where am I at with my life? I’m approaching the end of my exam season, studying in the evenings after work, going to the gym before I start in the office, and generally juggling a hefty workload when I’m there.


The thing is: so what?

Gentle reader, tell me truly: am I... dull?

I watch Battlestar Galactica and Dr Who and the occasional film. We have friends round for dinner, or we visit them. Sometimes we go to art galleries or the theatre. I tend the plants in my little garden. I read, when I have a chance (Matter by Iain M Banks is the current volume).

I work in an office. I go to the gym. My parents are divorced. I am engaged.

Funny how getting everything you worked for sometimes seems a bit... disappointing.

Coming out immeasurably improved my life, and my experiences over the last three years have been fantastic. In many ways it’s a shame they have come to an end. Now the Cheerful Fairy is an ordinary ‘mo, and it’s sometimes a bit sad not to be special.

I’ve never been a people person, nor particularly creative (as maybe perhaps you have noticed??). I get away with it by being OK looking, and reasonably bright. Introvert that I am, I look at the outgoing social types with a mixture of envy and dull incomprehension. The gay stereotype of the flamboyant creative actor type with a large circle of friends and a party lifestyle... well, it’s hardly ever true but it’s still out there, weighing down on my inadequacies so I feel them all the more.

Three of the most important lessons I have learned are:

• keep positive;

• taking a chance is never wrong;

• coming out was a really good thing to do.

But now I need some inspiration. I really have to make some changes.

Fella is fine; I genuinely couldn’t hope for more and I’m not stupid enough to throw away a good thing when I’ve got it – unlike International and those that came before him HA!

I’m thinking about the future, and have a detailed career plan forming in my head; I know I want to be with Fella and I know what’s going to happen by and large in my personal life. But overall I can’t help wondering what’s missing – or perhaps more accurately what I need to replace the excitement I had over the last three years.

I’m not dissatisfied with my life, quite the reverse. But I want to think about a big change. Changing career, moving to the other side of the world (Fella permitting). It’s just – what?? Inspiration, inspiration, inspiration... I’ll let you know when I get it,

Confusion

Those who know me might on occasion detect a hint of cynicism in my expectations of whatever happens next.. I try – and succeed – to be positive and take things on the chin, ever keen to draw a line through life’s little upsets rather than under them.

So then, it is an indication of how things are/were going with fella when what happened last night appeared to come out of the blue.

I was insanely tired last night, because Thursday turned out to be a 15 hour day, due to a miscommunication between two senior managers at my workplace that led me to junk two working day’s work and having to start again. Well, I’m buggered if I’m staying late on Friday and having my man cool his heels. Left to his own devices he’ll only get a better offer, and then where am I?!

So then, we met at 5:00 – I gave him a tour of my office, because I’ve become quite a fixture at the Royal College – and then we head home. Dinner, tele, sleeps. Except Fella decides he wants to watch The Wedding Date (a film I consider – whether through displacement activity, sheer tired grumpiness or just ‘cos - total tosh). And being a bit tired and emotional both, and his case not a little drunk, he asks me (in keeping with a theme of the film) whether I would tell him if I slept with other people.

That’s a question I don’t know how to answer. And I’m not sure how best to describe to you, gentle reader, exactly why. So in the good ol’ thinking out loudness of my blog-spherity lets think it out loud:

1. I’ve slept with a lot of people. Well, a reasonable number, for a gayer, anyway
2. Monogamy or not is fine by me – it’s honesty that counts
3. But I actually like monogamy with this one. No excuses; I just do. OK?
4. But, but, I did sleep with a couple of people between the first and second date; when I was transmogrifying from Cheerful Fairy to Very Happy Boyfriend Fairy
5. I don’t think he’s slept with other people since we met, or since we started our relationship…

The reality of it is I cannot answer questions the premise of which I do not comprehend.

Well, I’m not going to answer it here. But I will finish this post assuring you that we – he and I – are pretty much rock solid. So much so it seems a shame to stray into the territory of Really Stupid Angst over our relationship; yet this territory is hardly untouched by human habitation, is it?

It’s just the kind of question that, although you are really tired, it can still stop you sleeping…