This weekend was very messy and I am once again ready to foreswear the grape and the grain. Bleurgh! Saturday out till 4am and Sunday until 2:00, it’s an early night on the Monday I’m drafting this. Bleurgh…
Two very interesting things happened this weekend. The second was Fella DEMANDING to be proposed to. Eek! I do hope he realises it won’t happen on Sunday.
The first is a bit more proper-grown-up (boo).
Before meeting Fella et al in town on Saturday night, quite out of the blue, Mark of invisible boyfriend fame got in touch.
Now I’ve never been one to keep in touch with people I’ve dated. I kind-of tried with International but it fizzled out; c’est la vie.
So on Saturday Mark got in touch – we always lived quite close so we’d seen each other around – and as he sounded quite miserable I thought I would give it a go. OK, so it was a bit mean of me, but if he’d been really cocky and expected me to drop everything and go round then it would have been different. Nevertheless, there is a bit of me that kinda kinda wanted to see if he was happy or unhappy without me…
Of course in reality it was nothing like that. We had a couple of glasses of wine and talked at some length. He did want… me to stay. Kept touching me in that flirty way (you know, that way). I did think he was rather nicer to me then, then when we had been seeing each other. Ha ha. *Ahem*.
But of course I did not do anything; didn’t want to. But I didn’t get what I really wanted – a vicarious thrill. An “Aha! You were wrong to treat me the way you did, and as ye sow so ye shall reap!!”.
No, as with all things in life it was rather more subtle than that. It was the guy who isn’t happy in his job, and who still hasn’t got round to painting his living room. Single; looks the same; talks the same… it was, in fact still him.
What’s the point of this post then, you might well ask gentle reader. Well, I can only conclude that I’m not the same me as I was. I suppose that’s a good thing, so in a sense the joke’s on me. If you’re going to hold a mirror up, make sure you know which way it’s facing.
It was nice though. I could be tiresome and call it closure. I think that gives the whole encounter too much credit. It is good to know that there’s a lot more still to exploring relationships and my sexuality and that I was never dumped because I’m a total freak. Hurrah!
Showing posts with label Mark. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mark. Show all posts
Monday, 8 February 2010
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
Small world
Christmas and I finally did the Deed and ended things today with a highly civilised exchange of emails where we wished each other the best and, for the other, essentially ceased to exist. So a slightly sad Frumpella am I.
For variety of reasons the equation: it didn’t workout = you need to not exist doesn’t appear to hold true so much for me these days, gentle reader, and I for one view that as a good thing.
Like (I imagine) most gayers who cruise online I prefer my assignations to vanish into the ether, job done as it were, leaving me free to pursue the next one, and the next one, and the next one… but as I – out of sheer laziness mostly – tend to cruise in my local area I do occasionally run into past assignations. This can be awkward though I always remember my shags with fondness and try to give a good account of myself so a smile or the occasional ‘hello’ is exchanged. And the walk to the station allows me to smile knowingly to myself (and, presumably, like a mentalist to everyone else) as I pass That Flat, or This House, or That Mini Cooper Cabriolet Where We Really Should Have Taken the Top Down First.
It can have its downside of course; I treated myself to a Brazilian chef on my birthday and he simply would not leave me alone for months afterward; passing his house daily did not help.
Recently though things seem to have moved to a whole new level. Firstly one of my friend-and-neighbour types is getting mightily annoyed at my tendency to recycle his old boyfriends [two degrees of separation]. Secondly is the somewhat startling fact that I seem to be at least beginning to exhaust my… options… locally, and indeed now need to go as far as Vauxhall and Kennington to meet new guys. An example of this is that on the train to work recently I sat next to one guy I dated, opposite one I had, erm, Met and across the aisle was one I’d been chatting to in a ribald manner on gaydar. What are the odds?
And of the guys I have hooked up with since New Year two work in the same building as me and another on the same street. With luck like that surely I should win the lottery at some point? That also involves balls and numbers, after all [my posts are most droll n’est pas?].
But, by more than happy coincidence, Academic and I are still in touch, which is rather nice and civilised; the first time that’s happened with a man. And even Mark The Invisible Boyfriend recently got in touch with me again (though I’ve declined to respond as yet).
So we have progress of a sort. A past, a present, and at least the promise of a future.
For variety of reasons the equation: it didn’t workout = you need to not exist doesn’t appear to hold true so much for me these days, gentle reader, and I for one view that as a good thing.
Like (I imagine) most gayers who cruise online I prefer my assignations to vanish into the ether, job done as it were, leaving me free to pursue the next one, and the next one, and the next one… but as I – out of sheer laziness mostly – tend to cruise in my local area I do occasionally run into past assignations. This can be awkward though I always remember my shags with fondness and try to give a good account of myself so a smile or the occasional ‘hello’ is exchanged. And the walk to the station allows me to smile knowingly to myself (and, presumably, like a mentalist to everyone else) as I pass That Flat, or This House, or That Mini Cooper Cabriolet Where We Really Should Have Taken the Top Down First.
It can have its downside of course; I treated myself to a Brazilian chef on my birthday and he simply would not leave me alone for months afterward; passing his house daily did not help.
Recently though things seem to have moved to a whole new level. Firstly one of my friend-and-neighbour types is getting mightily annoyed at my tendency to recycle his old boyfriends [two degrees of separation]. Secondly is the somewhat startling fact that I seem to be at least beginning to exhaust my… options… locally, and indeed now need to go as far as Vauxhall and Kennington to meet new guys. An example of this is that on the train to work recently I sat next to one guy I dated, opposite one I had, erm, Met and across the aisle was one I’d been chatting to in a ribald manner on gaydar. What are the odds?
And of the guys I have hooked up with since New Year two work in the same building as me and another on the same street. With luck like that surely I should win the lottery at some point? That also involves balls and numbers, after all [my posts are most droll n’est pas?].
But, by more than happy coincidence, Academic and I are still in touch, which is rather nice and civilised; the first time that’s happened with a man. And even Mark The Invisible Boyfriend recently got in touch with me again (though I’ve declined to respond as yet).
So we have progress of a sort. A past, a present, and at least the promise of a future.
Sunday, 20 July 2008
Hogzilla Vs the Invisible Boyfriend
Today I feel like a million dollars. Unfortunately it’s a million Zimbabwean dollars. I have been awoken by a neighbour’s car alarm far too early (which is not good for my Rage), and today I must make the final preparations for… Guildford! At least that should provide some distraction. I spend, these days, a great deal of time thinking about Mark, and while I was out and about yesterday endless thoughts of him led me down a kind of Memory Lane of my own ‘sex-life’.
Being out now it’s difficult to reconcile the cognitive dissonance I handled in my youth. And a misspent youth it was too thanks to my neglectful parents (who were far too busy concentrating on other things to pay attention to what I was getting up to). From 14 I was frequently out all night; 15 I was regularly getting drunk and out clubbing all weekend; and 16 I was spending several days away at a time unchallenged and unapologetic. You would think I might have been a bit more adventurous with my sex life, and sexuality. But no; the first time I held hands with a boy we were both 15 and it was, of all places, in the computer suite at school. First time I had a sex with a man I was 17 and it was in the cupboard under the stairs at a party [charming]. Even at university there was only the very occasional assignation – if anything I was ‘meeting’ fewer men than when I was in high school. What a pity.
So, I suppose it isn’t really surprising I spent some months making up for lost time. And, to be honest, I’ve indulged pretty much every fantasy (with mixed results!). A couple remain but the fact of the matter is simple logistics make exploring those somewhat unlikely. Anyway, I now at least very much know what I like!
But now I have me a boyfriend and he’s the only one for me, be he never so invisible and inattentive. Of course, I’m still trying to expand my social network as well though, with the odd setback. A guy I met last night, for example, thought for some reason I was trying to sell him cocaine. Two steps forward, one step back – and all with my foot in my mouth. Quite the contortionist am I!
On Friday night I had two distinct dreams about Mark. In the first he was having a cigarette and he invited me to have one and I remember saying I couldn’t join him because if I started smoking again it would kill me. Hidden meaning?
In the second he called me and wanted to see me because something had happened and he was very upset and I was so pleased I was the person he turned to, to feel better again.
Fidelity to Mark is not in itself a problem. Yet after seven weeks of… this… I wish, I wish, I wish, we were spending more time together. I’ve been reduced to emailing my diary for the next two weeks in the hope he’ll find some room for me!
I’m beginning to wonder how at ease or confident he is in this relationship. I have no experience to speak of really but – perhaps he doesn’t know how to handle this any more than I do. Maybe I’m not giving him the right signals or something? I would hate to ruin this because of some silly thing that I do, which is one hell of a mental straightjacket.
He makes me happy. This relationship doesn’t. Help!
Maybe I should be more like the cat in this. Watch it. Watch it! Did you watch?
Being out now it’s difficult to reconcile the cognitive dissonance I handled in my youth. And a misspent youth it was too thanks to my neglectful parents (who were far too busy concentrating on other things to pay attention to what I was getting up to). From 14 I was frequently out all night; 15 I was regularly getting drunk and out clubbing all weekend; and 16 I was spending several days away at a time unchallenged and unapologetic. You would think I might have been a bit more adventurous with my sex life, and sexuality. But no; the first time I held hands with a boy we were both 15 and it was, of all places, in the computer suite at school. First time I had a sex with a man I was 17 and it was in the cupboard under the stairs at a party [charming]. Even at university there was only the very occasional assignation – if anything I was ‘meeting’ fewer men than when I was in high school. What a pity.
So, I suppose it isn’t really surprising I spent some months making up for lost time. And, to be honest, I’ve indulged pretty much every fantasy (with mixed results!). A couple remain but the fact of the matter is simple logistics make exploring those somewhat unlikely. Anyway, I now at least very much know what I like!
But now I have me a boyfriend and he’s the only one for me, be he never so invisible and inattentive. Of course, I’m still trying to expand my social network as well though, with the odd setback. A guy I met last night, for example, thought for some reason I was trying to sell him cocaine. Two steps forward, one step back – and all with my foot in my mouth. Quite the contortionist am I!
On Friday night I had two distinct dreams about Mark. In the first he was having a cigarette and he invited me to have one and I remember saying I couldn’t join him because if I started smoking again it would kill me. Hidden meaning?
In the second he called me and wanted to see me because something had happened and he was very upset and I was so pleased I was the person he turned to, to feel better again.
Fidelity to Mark is not in itself a problem. Yet after seven weeks of… this… I wish, I wish, I wish, we were spending more time together. I’ve been reduced to emailing my diary for the next two weeks in the hope he’ll find some room for me!
I’m beginning to wonder how at ease or confident he is in this relationship. I have no experience to speak of really but – perhaps he doesn’t know how to handle this any more than I do. Maybe I’m not giving him the right signals or something? I would hate to ruin this because of some silly thing that I do, which is one hell of a mental straightjacket.
He makes me happy. This relationship doesn’t. Help!
Maybe I should be more like the cat in this. Watch it. Watch it! Did you watch?
Thursday, 17 July 2008
New Adventures of the Invisible Boyfriend
I am the liveried footman, the obsequious person; I am the lackey. Hence my lachrymose state remains hidden and I maintain as best I can a lacertian façade of indifference to my woeful plight.
Yeah, OK, the dictionary was open at ‘L’ today. ‘L’ stands for loneliness. ‘L’ stands for lech.
I am, you see, very disappointed that Mark disappeared off again without getting in touch. Of course, it was a work thing and yeah, I accept he was busy. I suppose making room for one another in each other’s life is going to be an ongoing project. But… well, he’s been making much more of an effort recently so I’m a little disappointed by this setback. I try very hard to give him his space and be ‘low maintenance’ so I fear I must make do without much complaint and change the system from within.
Yes, gentle reader; boyfriend provocateur.
Well, I’ve told him a few times I want to see him more often and how much I like him so I guess he knows how I feel… to an extent.
Hey, I’m not putting myself back on the market anytime soon. Mark = Happy; so here at least I continue to effect extravagant passions pending the real thing.
In the meantime work continues its recent roller-coaster ride; I have (shhh - it's a secret) got an interview in a week for a project management post at the Strategic Health Authority that I really want so I guess preparing for that'll keep me busy...
Yeah, OK, the dictionary was open at ‘L’ today. ‘L’ stands for loneliness. ‘L’ stands for lech.
I am, you see, very disappointed that Mark disappeared off again without getting in touch. Of course, it was a work thing and yeah, I accept he was busy. I suppose making room for one another in each other’s life is going to be an ongoing project. But… well, he’s been making much more of an effort recently so I’m a little disappointed by this setback. I try very hard to give him his space and be ‘low maintenance’ so I fear I must make do without much complaint and change the system from within.
Yes, gentle reader; boyfriend provocateur.
Well, I’ve told him a few times I want to see him more often and how much I like him so I guess he knows how I feel… to an extent.
Hey, I’m not putting myself back on the market anytime soon. Mark = Happy; so here at least I continue to effect extravagant passions pending the real thing.
In the meantime work continues its recent roller-coaster ride; I have (shhh - it's a secret) got an interview in a week for a project management post at the Strategic Health Authority that I really want so I guess preparing for that'll keep me busy...
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
Intermission
I sit here at home alone again, gentle reader, wondering when O’ when I will see the invisible boyfriend again.
Well, maybe tomorrow. I hope so, but the chances are slim that Mark will be able to get out of his existing commitments to see me before he’s away. And then I’m away… Damn, damn, damn. Secretly I hope he’ll drop in on me when I’m working in sunny Guildford next week and ravish me! But, I know he won’t *sigh*.
Due to the events of the last three months I’m not used to having my evenings so free. Yes, it seems I got me a man and now I need me a hobby! Well, I could always use more work so that’s something I can try and drum up; right now the more the better – just because I want to do a bit better from now on and get away from my employed-work.
As for a hobby… well, I have become an outrageous flirt on OUT. I’m not sleeping with anyone of course (amusingly, it turns out one of my more recent assignations was also one of Marks’s – once again a very small world!!) but I am trying to slowly build up friendships with more gay men. And not doing too badly – so, for example, there are a couple of fellas now I can talk to Mark about. Of course I talk to longer-standing friends, and colleagues about him, but certain details are not on the approved list and anyway they usually either (a) tell me to finish with him or (b) disapprove of my behaviour. That's not on my approved list.
Incidentally one of the things I’ve noticed in myself recently also is a roving eye. There’s a fair bit of totty round where I live and work and, yes, the new temp in my office is quite the yummy dish.
I think expanding my circle of gay friends, now that I’ve calmed down in other areas *ahem*, is probably the best way forward. It will definitely help me overcome those moments of introspection when I worry I’m too poor/fat/ugly/dull/Martian/whatever; I can get some good advice from people who’ve been there (I do believe you can’t draw exact parallels from straight relationships easily). Plus, perhaps I’ll get to take some faltering first steps out onto the gay ‘scene’.
So then: Wednesday is a gig by a band who’s singer is someone I’ve met via t’internet (check it out here). I invited Mark but... and Friday I’m out in Vauxhall with my friend Si. It’s a start!
PS: down to 81kg. A thousand hurrahs. Maybe I can break that elusive 80kg barrier and become the boyfriend of rippling gorgeousness at long last.
Well, maybe tomorrow. I hope so, but the chances are slim that Mark will be able to get out of his existing commitments to see me before he’s away. And then I’m away… Damn, damn, damn. Secretly I hope he’ll drop in on me when I’m working in sunny Guildford next week and ravish me! But, I know he won’t *sigh*.
Due to the events of the last three months I’m not used to having my evenings so free. Yes, it seems I got me a man and now I need me a hobby! Well, I could always use more work so that’s something I can try and drum up; right now the more the better – just because I want to do a bit better from now on and get away from my employed-work.
As for a hobby… well, I have become an outrageous flirt on OUT. I’m not sleeping with anyone of course (amusingly, it turns out one of my more recent assignations was also one of Marks’s – once again a very small world!!) but I am trying to slowly build up friendships with more gay men. And not doing too badly – so, for example, there are a couple of fellas now I can talk to Mark about. Of course I talk to longer-standing friends, and colleagues about him, but certain details are not on the approved list and anyway they usually either (a) tell me to finish with him or (b) disapprove of my behaviour. That's not on my approved list.
Incidentally one of the things I’ve noticed in myself recently also is a roving eye. There’s a fair bit of totty round where I live and work and, yes, the new temp in my office is quite the yummy dish.
I think expanding my circle of gay friends, now that I’ve calmed down in other areas *ahem*, is probably the best way forward. It will definitely help me overcome those moments of introspection when I worry I’m too poor/fat/ugly/dull/Martian/whatever; I can get some good advice from people who’ve been there (I do believe you can’t draw exact parallels from straight relationships easily). Plus, perhaps I’ll get to take some faltering first steps out onto the gay ‘scene’.
So then: Wednesday is a gig by a band who’s singer is someone I’ve met via t’internet (check it out here). I invited Mark but... and Friday I’m out in Vauxhall with my friend Si. It’s a start!
PS: down to 81kg. A thousand hurrahs. Maybe I can break that elusive 80kg barrier and become the boyfriend of rippling gorgeousness at long last.
Sunday, 13 July 2008
Return of the Invisible Boyfried
I'm a bit battered today, gentle reader, as I was hit by a cyclist while walking along the river. I'll be OK, though - a bruised back and a knackered wrist; it could have been a lot worse. Anyway....
After Wednesday I didn’t hear from Mark so on Friday I emailed him to see what was happening at the weekend. It turned out he was free! So I suggested that, short of ready cash as I am, we have a quiet night in at mine on Saturday (dinner, a film etc) and go for a long walk somewhere on Sunday. You know: the kind of stuff couples do.
Mark promised to call me on Saturday, which was fine, and on the day I busied myself cleaning the flat (sort of) and getting on with some websites for some clients! Yes, paying work – hurrah!
As the morning became the afternoon and I heard nothing I sensed my mood changing and the dark clouds gathering. I began to imagine him not calling and me by the phone once again as it didn’t ring and getting increasingly sad and angry… I guess I still have a way to go before I believe he’ll do what he says he will.
Yet my bad faith was once again misplaced as he did indeed call. It would seem that my man went out on Friday and got horribly drunk. It seems he was feeling rather worse for wear, therefore, when he called and said he was going to crawl back to bed until Sunday; but that we should go out for dinner then.
I cautioned him that I was on me uppers but he insisted it would be his treat – so I said it would be my treat next time. And that was that.
As an aside I try not to let Mark pay for things/treat me as we have a wide disparity of income. I have a generous income, it’s true, but Mark it seems not so much works in a bank as owns one (well the family does I gather – it’s quite complex) so for him the price of things is ever so slightly less of an issue than for me. For my own security and peace of mind I try to ensure that we go 50/50 on everything; and this is one of the reasons why a night in was my proposal.
Plus of course a quiet night in has its charms… Still it saves me from more cleaning I suppose!
Anyway, Mark booked a table at 8:00 at a Thai/Spanish restaurant very near to where he lives (hurrah) and so I business myself on Sunday afternoon trying to look all pretty and that, and arriving early I go to his place first to collect him (muches smooches) before we the restaurant – which had live music, to add that je ne sais qui to our evening.
And after that it was back to his again for a night cap and double plus muches smooches to round off the evening.
Now, unfortunately I couldn’t stay the night because he had to be up extra early so I made my way back home, very tired but very, very happy; and before I left I insisted we had to see each other more often and try and work some synergy [blech] between our busy schedules (for example, he’s away for work Thursday through Saturday, and I’m away for work the Sunday through Wednesday after – BOO! It isn't fair).
Aw, the long and short of it is I’m soooo loved up, gentle reader. But then again *deep breath* why not? I may have to consider seriously falling for this one...
After Wednesday I didn’t hear from Mark so on Friday I emailed him to see what was happening at the weekend. It turned out he was free! So I suggested that, short of ready cash as I am, we have a quiet night in at mine on Saturday (dinner, a film etc) and go for a long walk somewhere on Sunday. You know: the kind of stuff couples do.
Mark promised to call me on Saturday, which was fine, and on the day I busied myself cleaning the flat (sort of) and getting on with some websites for some clients! Yes, paying work – hurrah!
As the morning became the afternoon and I heard nothing I sensed my mood changing and the dark clouds gathering. I began to imagine him not calling and me by the phone once again as it didn’t ring and getting increasingly sad and angry… I guess I still have a way to go before I believe he’ll do what he says he will.
Yet my bad faith was once again misplaced as he did indeed call. It would seem that my man went out on Friday and got horribly drunk. It seems he was feeling rather worse for wear, therefore, when he called and said he was going to crawl back to bed until Sunday; but that we should go out for dinner then.
I cautioned him that I was on me uppers but he insisted it would be his treat – so I said it would be my treat next time. And that was that.
As an aside I try not to let Mark pay for things/treat me as we have a wide disparity of income. I have a generous income, it’s true, but Mark it seems not so much works in a bank as owns one (well the family does I gather – it’s quite complex) so for him the price of things is ever so slightly less of an issue than for me. For my own security and peace of mind I try to ensure that we go 50/50 on everything; and this is one of the reasons why a night in was my proposal.
Plus of course a quiet night in has its charms… Still it saves me from more cleaning I suppose!
Anyway, Mark booked a table at 8:00 at a Thai/Spanish restaurant very near to where he lives (hurrah) and so I business myself on Sunday afternoon trying to look all pretty and that, and arriving early I go to his place first to collect him (muches smooches) before we the restaurant – which had live music, to add that je ne sais qui to our evening.
And after that it was back to his again for a night cap and double plus muches smooches to round off the evening.
Now, unfortunately I couldn’t stay the night because he had to be up extra early so I made my way back home, very tired but very, very happy; and before I left I insisted we had to see each other more often and try and work some synergy [blech] between our busy schedules (for example, he’s away for work Thursday through Saturday, and I’m away for work the Sunday through Wednesday after – BOO! It isn't fair).
Aw, the long and short of it is I’m soooo loved up, gentle reader. But then again *deep breath* why not? I may have to consider seriously falling for this one...
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
Bride of the Invisible Boyfriend
Well, I’m just back from sunny Devon after a marathon work session. It took an hour by taxi to get to the hotel after 3½ hours on the train after a pretty full day at work – so I was exhausted when I got there!
Devon is beautiful part of the world; I grew up not-a-million-miles from there in rural Wiltshire before the bright lights of the big city and repressed-homosexuality brought me to London town. I miss it sometimes (a slower pace of life to be sure) and still have good friends in that part of the world that I’m particularly looking forward to visiting me soon!
I stayed in a beautiful hotel in a tiny village; and I ‘noticed’ that one whole wall of the room I was given was a giant mirror. If there wasn’t a secret room on the other side of there…
It was a double room and when I got to bed I couldn’t sleep unless I was on MY side not Mark's! I guess it was the first time that I realised we’ve settled into a routine (for all that we hardly see each other!).
Unfortunately the only thing I got from the mirror wall was a realisation of how frumpy I am – yes, I have let the diet slip somewhat! If all the world's a stage, I need better lighting. A knock to the self-image I could do without, I tell you. I’m going to have to try something radical with the diet; and first of all I’m going to buy the bike my sporty-neighbour’s been begging me to get!
While I was away I realised that I must be in the back of beyond as, entirely without internet access AND with no reception on my phone I could do NOTHING. So I couldn’t wait to get back to ‘civilisation’ in particular contact His Nibs to see if there was anything doing – and bless his heart, if he hadn’t sent me a message to say he was thinking of me! Of course I demanded to know what he was thinking, and I await a response!!
As an aside I think one of the nicest ways in which the various crises I’ve subjected myself to have worked out is my appreciation for those little things. God, he doesn't know what he's in for next time we meet…
So now I’m back, loved up, drinking win on an empty stomach (diet, you say?) trying to convince a (gay) friend to celebrate his 26th birthday properly on Friday and watching Sex and the City.
La la la. How lucky am I?
Devon is beautiful part of the world; I grew up not-a-million-miles from there in rural Wiltshire before the bright lights of the big city and repressed-homosexuality brought me to London town. I miss it sometimes (a slower pace of life to be sure) and still have good friends in that part of the world that I’m particularly looking forward to visiting me soon!
I stayed in a beautiful hotel in a tiny village; and I ‘noticed’ that one whole wall of the room I was given was a giant mirror. If there wasn’t a secret room on the other side of there…
It was a double room and when I got to bed I couldn’t sleep unless I was on MY side not Mark's! I guess it was the first time that I realised we’ve settled into a routine (for all that we hardly see each other!).
Unfortunately the only thing I got from the mirror wall was a realisation of how frumpy I am – yes, I have let the diet slip somewhat! If all the world's a stage, I need better lighting. A knock to the self-image I could do without, I tell you. I’m going to have to try something radical with the diet; and first of all I’m going to buy the bike my sporty-neighbour’s been begging me to get!
While I was away I realised that I must be in the back of beyond as, entirely without internet access AND with no reception on my phone I could do NOTHING. So I couldn’t wait to get back to ‘civilisation’ in particular contact His Nibs to see if there was anything doing – and bless his heart, if he hadn’t sent me a message to say he was thinking of me! Of course I demanded to know what he was thinking, and I await a response!!
As an aside I think one of the nicest ways in which the various crises I’ve subjected myself to have worked out is my appreciation for those little things. God, he doesn't know what he's in for next time we meet…
So now I’m back, loved up, drinking win on an empty stomach (diet, you say?) trying to convince a (gay) friend to celebrate his 26th birthday properly on Friday and watching Sex and the City.
La la la. How lucky am I?
Sunday, 6 July 2008
Planet of the Invisible Boyfriend
Another weekend over with – and another without Mark, more’s the pity. So what is it like for Mike in this strange new world of monogamy and solitude?
Well, Friday, after a particularly hellish day at work (recent staffing changes have meant a workplace I adored has gone downhill very, very badly – there’ll be more quite soon about my plans to escape) I went for a brief drink with a colleague, who is also a very good friend and has been very supportive to me throughout everything that’s happened over the last few months.
After that I met a guy I’d been chatting to online for a few weeks – Italian, over here on a visit. We met via a dating website; and though we were clearly not looking for each other, what with living in different countries and that (!) we got chatting as, international cosmopolitan type that I am, I have family in Italy and have holidayed there often. It was nice to meet him – we had a couple of drinks and a laugh and I made him quite late for his dinner engagement. It will be back to the email from now on, I suppose. Yet, it was good to meet a guy without that possibility – even though I now have a pen pal which seems a tad old fashioned (even though I have this blog and half my social-life is online anyway!).
On Saturday I went to the barbecue of a former neighbour of mine who had moved as far as it is possible to go across London and still be in it. She’s American and was celebrating Independence Day and it was great to see her and catch up with a load of her friends that I’d met before. I always like people from Anglophone countries more than the 'generic' Brits. Americans, Australians, Canadians, Irish (like Mark), New Zealanders…. I’m not British but it’s easy to adopt the cultural cynicism rooted in appalling public transport and drought orders!
Anyway, I had a good time, and great food and everyone was really nice. Of course I had too many beers but fortunately one of my existing neighbours was there and wanted to go reasonably early, so she and I travelled together, saving me from making a total prat of myself. I will incautiously admit that I do find her attractive and were I still ‘in’ I might have tried something… but of course I didn’t!
Sunday I got text messages from someone I was due to go for a drink with last Friday (whom I cancelled because of Mark’s procrastination) asking if I was free. In truth I had a lot of work to do and shouldn’t have gone out but…
We wandered along the South Bank, caught unexpectedly in the midst of a Brazilian festival which was a lot more fun than working at home! I'm not sure the scantily clad dancing girls were entirely at home in a rainy July in London, but they made up for it in jiggly enthusiasm. After that we went for a pub lunch, only mildly disrupted by the bar-staff getting into a fight. When back home In the early evening I worked on a clients’ websites until I got bored...
I did consider going online and having a bit of a cruise but in the end I realised I shouldn’t and nothing came of that impulse (reward please?) so it was a bit of tele’ (the finale of Dr Who on the iPlayer) and a glass of Chablis to tide me to bed, perchance to sleep, perchance to dream. You see, I'm a good girl I am.
But then, the very last thing on Sunday, a text came from Mark telling me all about his weekend and what he’d been doing, and wishing me goodnight. I was really touched that he made the effort after our Talk. It really pleased me an inordinate amount (he clearly has me well trained) and I really shall have to think of a suitable way to reward him. ;-p
Well, Friday, after a particularly hellish day at work (recent staffing changes have meant a workplace I adored has gone downhill very, very badly – there’ll be more quite soon about my plans to escape) I went for a brief drink with a colleague, who is also a very good friend and has been very supportive to me throughout everything that’s happened over the last few months.
After that I met a guy I’d been chatting to online for a few weeks – Italian, over here on a visit. We met via a dating website; and though we were clearly not looking for each other, what with living in different countries and that (!) we got chatting as, international cosmopolitan type that I am, I have family in Italy and have holidayed there often. It was nice to meet him – we had a couple of drinks and a laugh and I made him quite late for his dinner engagement. It will be back to the email from now on, I suppose. Yet, it was good to meet a guy without that possibility – even though I now have a pen pal which seems a tad old fashioned (even though I have this blog and half my social-life is online anyway!).
On Saturday I went to the barbecue of a former neighbour of mine who had moved as far as it is possible to go across London and still be in it. She’s American and was celebrating Independence Day and it was great to see her and catch up with a load of her friends that I’d met before. I always like people from Anglophone countries more than the 'generic' Brits. Americans, Australians, Canadians, Irish (like Mark), New Zealanders…. I’m not British but it’s easy to adopt the cultural cynicism rooted in appalling public transport and drought orders!
Anyway, I had a good time, and great food and everyone was really nice. Of course I had too many beers but fortunately one of my existing neighbours was there and wanted to go reasonably early, so she and I travelled together, saving me from making a total prat of myself. I will incautiously admit that I do find her attractive and were I still ‘in’ I might have tried something… but of course I didn’t!
Sunday I got text messages from someone I was due to go for a drink with last Friday (whom I cancelled because of Mark’s procrastination) asking if I was free. In truth I had a lot of work to do and shouldn’t have gone out but…
We wandered along the South Bank, caught unexpectedly in the midst of a Brazilian festival which was a lot more fun than working at home! I'm not sure the scantily clad dancing girls were entirely at home in a rainy July in London, but they made up for it in jiggly enthusiasm. After that we went for a pub lunch, only mildly disrupted by the bar-staff getting into a fight. When back home In the early evening I worked on a clients’ websites until I got bored...
I did consider going online and having a bit of a cruise but in the end I realised I shouldn’t and nothing came of that impulse (reward please?) so it was a bit of tele’ (the finale of Dr Who on the iPlayer) and a glass of Chablis to tide me to bed, perchance to sleep, perchance to dream. You see, I'm a good girl I am.
But then, the very last thing on Sunday, a text came from Mark telling me all about his weekend and what he’d been doing, and wishing me goodnight. I was really touched that he made the effort after our Talk. It really pleased me an inordinate amount (he clearly has me well trained) and I really shall have to think of a suitable way to reward him. ;-p
Friday, 4 July 2008
Revenge of the Invisible Boyfriend
What a difference a day makes (24 little hours)!
‘Did Mark call last night?’ I hear you cry! And lo, gentle reader, an age of miracles is at hand!! For Mark did indeed call me last night; and we finally did have that Talk that I needed to have for so long. A fool indeed am I for doubting him.
You see? Ignore good advice enough times and it works out fine.
Phew!
He said that we hadn’t been communicating very well recently, and agreed that we did need to Talk. Mark explained that he was being ‘his usual selfish self’ and not being careful to think about others. He said he’d become accustomed to not being in a relationship, and it was taking him a long time to remember how to treat someone! It also means he finds it difficult to respond all romantic-like to me - so when I say “hi gorgeous; can’t wait to see you ;-p” and he replies “how are you? I’m doing the crossword. What’s a five-letter word for secret pumpkin?” I shouldn’t read anything into it.
He explained too that he was really busy at work and had a lot of things to deal with – essentially he needs to plan well in advance, whereas I’m much more spontaneous. I didn’t go as far as suggesting that at these social events I can be his ‘plus one’ but I think he realised that as an option at some level because he talked for a while about how he has groups of friend he sees rarely and they make demands of him etc. I suggested that we should work more toward merging our social calendars.
But I think that the most important thing we discussed was that I’m not freaking him out by forcing the issue. I reassured him that I’m not high maintenance and he said that he already understood that about me, which was pleasing to hear. Also, he talked at length about how this is more to him than just something casual, which was really great too!
On my part I did explain I knew I was being a needy foolish nincompoop, and I hated that in myself as much as I do in others but that once in a while I might need some kind of ‘reality check’ to keep me sure about things.
And, I did ask him is he was seeing anyone else – I explained/reassured at the same time that I was no longer. He reiterated he’d always been a one-at-a-time kind of guy, though he admitted he had been messaging some guys on the site where we met. I can hardly complain about that now, can I?
Christ, I’m relieved. I think I’ve been luckier than I deserve to be: after doing my damndest to make it fail I got everything I needed and wanted AND I have a boyfriend who’s gorgeous, near-by and that I like and who likes me. It’s amazing how nice it is not to be adrift any longer on a sea of anonymous sex and endless parties! Now I have me a proper relationship. The exciting start of one anyway.
‘Did Mark call last night?’ I hear you cry! And lo, gentle reader, an age of miracles is at hand!! For Mark did indeed call me last night; and we finally did have that Talk that I needed to have for so long. A fool indeed am I for doubting him.
You see? Ignore good advice enough times and it works out fine.
Phew!
He said that we hadn’t been communicating very well recently, and agreed that we did need to Talk. Mark explained that he was being ‘his usual selfish self’ and not being careful to think about others. He said he’d become accustomed to not being in a relationship, and it was taking him a long time to remember how to treat someone! It also means he finds it difficult to respond all romantic-like to me - so when I say “hi gorgeous; can’t wait to see you ;-p” and he replies “how are you? I’m doing the crossword. What’s a five-letter word for secret pumpkin?” I shouldn’t read anything into it.
He explained too that he was really busy at work and had a lot of things to deal with – essentially he needs to plan well in advance, whereas I’m much more spontaneous. I didn’t go as far as suggesting that at these social events I can be his ‘plus one’ but I think he realised that as an option at some level because he talked for a while about how he has groups of friend he sees rarely and they make demands of him etc. I suggested that we should work more toward merging our social calendars.
But I think that the most important thing we discussed was that I’m not freaking him out by forcing the issue. I reassured him that I’m not high maintenance and he said that he already understood that about me, which was pleasing to hear. Also, he talked at length about how this is more to him than just something casual, which was really great too!
On my part I did explain I knew I was being a needy foolish nincompoop, and I hated that in myself as much as I do in others but that once in a while I might need some kind of ‘reality check’ to keep me sure about things.
And, I did ask him is he was seeing anyone else – I explained/reassured at the same time that I was no longer. He reiterated he’d always been a one-at-a-time kind of guy, though he admitted he had been messaging some guys on the site where we met. I can hardly complain about that now, can I?
Christ, I’m relieved. I think I’ve been luckier than I deserve to be: after doing my damndest to make it fail I got everything I needed and wanted AND I have a boyfriend who’s gorgeous, near-by and that I like and who likes me. It’s amazing how nice it is not to be adrift any longer on a sea of anonymous sex and endless parties! Now I have me a proper relationship. The exciting start of one anyway.
Thursday, 3 July 2008
Attack of the Invisible Boyfriend
Yesterday afternoon I asked Mark to call me to sort things out, because – as I put it – not only do I want to see him, I also wanted to talk to him. And, indeed he said he would call.
I waited last night till about 10:30 for that call, rehearsing some choice comments about however much I might like cock it doesn’t excuse him being one. But eventually I realised that it wasn’t going to happen, so I sent Mark a text “well, I guess I [messed] that up. I’m sorry you didn’t call. I do/did really like you. All the best, then, for the future. Mike”.
The reply I got was: “Hey what’s this about? I’m at a do”.
Mike: “Are you? I thought you didn’t call because of my last email”
Mark: “I’m at a party and that’s why I could not meet you”
This is the point when I became seriously miffed. So, ill advisedly, I text “I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for this party. I’m sorry you didn’t call. I’m sorry I cancelled [my plans on Friday] for you. I clearly got it wrong.”
He replied with another promise to call me – but at this point it was well past midnight so I left it, and in the morning I messaged more rationally: “Hi. I feel bad about starting a row. Please do call later. Or perhaps we can meet after work to talk properly? Hope you have a good day. Speak later”. This received another promise from Mark to call me.
Who knows; if he really puts his back into it – I mean, really reaches for the stars – and makes a herculean effort he may even call me!
I hope this little display doesn’t make me look like a total idiot. I did try not to lose my temper, but recent events clearly were not good for my Rage! I’m actually more annoyed about his failure to call me than his cancelling on me for what was in effect a better offer (though to be honest I was a bit thrown that this was the reason). Once I’m secure in my mind I really can be low-maintenance gentle reader – I genuinely don’t mind that he wanted to go to this party rather than see me. But being at the bottom of the list of priorities is one thing; not even being in his mind at all is another.
Unanimity amongst all my friends, who have told me that Mark is dangling me by a string and to end it. But I rejoice in the freedom to ignore good advice. In my heart of hearts, you see, I hope that when he calls he’ll say he’d been holding back because he really likes me too but he wasn’t getting the 'vibe' from me or something and it will all turn out to be an hilarious comedy of errors like A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Farce be closer to it we might say, but whatever happens tonight, as Samuel Beckett put it, “No matter. Try again; fail again; fail better.”.
I waited last night till about 10:30 for that call, rehearsing some choice comments about however much I might like cock it doesn’t excuse him being one. But eventually I realised that it wasn’t going to happen, so I sent Mark a text “well, I guess I [messed] that up. I’m sorry you didn’t call. I do/did really like you. All the best, then, for the future. Mike”.
The reply I got was: “Hey what’s this about? I’m at a do”.
Mike: “Are you? I thought you didn’t call because of my last email”
Mark: “I’m at a party and that’s why I could not meet you”
This is the point when I became seriously miffed. So, ill advisedly, I text “I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for this party. I’m sorry you didn’t call. I’m sorry I cancelled [my plans on Friday] for you. I clearly got it wrong.”
He replied with another promise to call me – but at this point it was well past midnight so I left it, and in the morning I messaged more rationally: “Hi. I feel bad about starting a row. Please do call later. Or perhaps we can meet after work to talk properly? Hope you have a good day. Speak later”. This received another promise from Mark to call me.
Who knows; if he really puts his back into it – I mean, really reaches for the stars – and makes a herculean effort he may even call me!
I hope this little display doesn’t make me look like a total idiot. I did try not to lose my temper, but recent events clearly were not good for my Rage! I’m actually more annoyed about his failure to call me than his cancelling on me for what was in effect a better offer (though to be honest I was a bit thrown that this was the reason). Once I’m secure in my mind I really can be low-maintenance gentle reader – I genuinely don’t mind that he wanted to go to this party rather than see me. But being at the bottom of the list of priorities is one thing; not even being in his mind at all is another.
Unanimity amongst all my friends, who have told me that Mark is dangling me by a string and to end it. But I rejoice in the freedom to ignore good advice. In my heart of hearts, you see, I hope that when he calls he’ll say he’d been holding back because he really likes me too but he wasn’t getting the 'vibe' from me or something and it will all turn out to be an hilarious comedy of errors like A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Farce be closer to it we might say, but whatever happens tonight, as Samuel Beckett put it, “No matter. Try again; fail again; fail better.”.
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
The Invisible Boyfriend
Today marks one month since Mark and I first met. We were due to go out tonight and have dinner etc, but once again Mark has cancelled so it would seem that I will be spending tonight alone. We should, instead me meeting on Friday, but apparently that’s looking a bit ‘dodgy’ now so I guess I’ll be waiting on tenterhooks for him to make up his sodding mind.
Monogamy’s all very well but I would suggest it does rather involve being in the same room at the same time on occasion.
I’m really very annoyed. I made specific work arrangements to ensure I could meet him tonight; now we won’t see each other. Then instead he wants to meet Friday, so I put off a new friend who I was due to see then for a wine-tasting evening. Now it seems instead of seeing Mark, and also having a good Friday night, it’ll be a couple of dull nights doing accounts, studying, or watching tele’. Love's young dream it ain't gentle reader.
I’ve splattered my qualms and concerns all over this blog ad-nauseum but if I never get to talk to him in some depth/seriousness and seeing where we are/where we are going then it’s not going to get better. So right now I’m trying to think of the best way of biting the bullet and tackling this in the only medium I have available – email.
In my mind the lunaversary/mensiversary (whatever it’s called) would have been quiet – no flowers, no gifts – but I did want to ask him clearly, but nicely, whether he is seeing other people, and where we stand. Partly for the affirmation, but partly because I know he still actively uses the dating site where we ‘met’ (our profiles are linked you see) so…
He’s promised to call me later and to be honest the way I feel right now there’ll be Words Had. I’m currently trying to compose a message in reply to him that expresses my concerns maturely and sensibly, in a way that isn’t going to piss him off or sound petulant or aggressive.
OK, so he wants a relatively hassle free relationship because he has a very demanding job, but I clearly need lots of affirmation and attention. I make no demands of Mark whatsoever even though it kills me that he very very rarely sends even remotely 'romantic' texts or emails and is very reticent about public displays of affection (which I think is partly just the way he is to be honest), and he never apologises for letting me down.
I really want to get a clear indication from him whether he 'likes' me and whether he wants to keep seeing me – whether he thinks we have a future. I have to find a good way of asserting myself and making some demands of Mark for a change.
I could quite happily go back to sleeping around, you know. Quite happily. Oh yes. :-(
Monogamy’s all very well but I would suggest it does rather involve being in the same room at the same time on occasion.
I’m really very annoyed. I made specific work arrangements to ensure I could meet him tonight; now we won’t see each other. Then instead he wants to meet Friday, so I put off a new friend who I was due to see then for a wine-tasting evening. Now it seems instead of seeing Mark, and also having a good Friday night, it’ll be a couple of dull nights doing accounts, studying, or watching tele’. Love's young dream it ain't gentle reader.
I’ve splattered my qualms and concerns all over this blog ad-nauseum but if I never get to talk to him in some depth/seriousness and seeing where we are/where we are going then it’s not going to get better. So right now I’m trying to think of the best way of biting the bullet and tackling this in the only medium I have available – email.
In my mind the lunaversary/mensiversary (whatever it’s called) would have been quiet – no flowers, no gifts – but I did want to ask him clearly, but nicely, whether he is seeing other people, and where we stand. Partly for the affirmation, but partly because I know he still actively uses the dating site where we ‘met’ (our profiles are linked you see) so…
He’s promised to call me later and to be honest the way I feel right now there’ll be Words Had. I’m currently trying to compose a message in reply to him that expresses my concerns maturely and sensibly, in a way that isn’t going to piss him off or sound petulant or aggressive.
OK, so he wants a relatively hassle free relationship because he has a very demanding job, but I clearly need lots of affirmation and attention. I make no demands of Mark whatsoever even though it kills me that he very very rarely sends even remotely 'romantic' texts or emails and is very reticent about public displays of affection (which I think is partly just the way he is to be honest), and he never apologises for letting me down.
I really want to get a clear indication from him whether he 'likes' me and whether he wants to keep seeing me – whether he thinks we have a future. I have to find a good way of asserting myself and making some demands of Mark for a change.
I could quite happily go back to sleeping around, you know. Quite happily. Oh yes. :-(
Thursday, 26 June 2008
Timing
Timing is a wonderful thing. For example last night I went out with Mark; we had dinner and then we saw Indiana Jones and the Temple of Crystal Skull. Kids will enjoy the action scenes I think. But it wasn’t inspiring. The best thing about going to see the film was the reclining seats in the cinema ;-)
He’s going away this weekend, for which, as you know gentle reader, I myself have arranged some entertainment. Fortunately. and co-incidentally, after that both Mark and I are pretty much free on the same days from now to the end of August so that’s good – though I have old friends staying at the end of July and am travelling a bit for work in the meantime. So it looks like we’ll be able to spend more time together – which is good because public displays of affection aren’t Mark’s strong suit! I just want to jump him!!
One thing we’ll probably end up doing together is his garden. He has big plans for it, which I intend to set about changing to something… nicer (all stainless steel? I think not). But once done we’ve tentatively discussed having a joint party there to debut it.
In the meantime two things about Mark: (1) He can’t keep his eyes off other guys. Hmmm. That might begin to get tiresome…. (2) During the scary bit of films he puts his fingers in his ears. That’s so adorable I just want to jump him!!
Unfortunately because Mark is away again *sigh* I won’t see him again till Wednesday. For then he has insisted we have an early dinner at a place near where he lives. Which, with it being our one month anniversary, might be just the thing. I just want to jump him!!
And now for something completely different!
Death Kitty and the Fat Man
He’s going away this weekend, for which, as you know gentle reader, I myself have arranged some entertainment. Fortunately. and co-incidentally, after that both Mark and I are pretty much free on the same days from now to the end of August so that’s good – though I have old friends staying at the end of July and am travelling a bit for work in the meantime. So it looks like we’ll be able to spend more time together – which is good because public displays of affection aren’t Mark’s strong suit! I just want to jump him!!
One thing we’ll probably end up doing together is his garden. He has big plans for it, which I intend to set about changing to something… nicer (all stainless steel? I think not). But once done we’ve tentatively discussed having a joint party there to debut it.
In the meantime two things about Mark: (1) He can’t keep his eyes off other guys. Hmmm. That might begin to get tiresome…. (2) During the scary bit of films he puts his fingers in his ears. That’s so adorable I just want to jump him!!
Unfortunately because Mark is away again *sigh* I won’t see him again till Wednesday. For then he has insisted we have an early dinner at a place near where he lives. Which, with it being our one month anniversary, might be just the thing. I just want to jump him!!
And now for something completely different!
One of my favourite shows is the Geoff Show on Virgin Radio. As it’s on late I listen to the podcast the next evening. And as an incentive to us podcast listeners you can write in and get a ‘podication’ read out. Now, when Darren dumped me I sent myself a podication to cheer myself up and then forgot about it. So what happens? They read it out today! I couldn’t believe it. Check it out for yourselves (podications are at the beginning)! Slightly less good timing though; I was mortified!
Death Kitty and the Fat Man
Tuesday, 24 June 2008
Advance Australia Fair
A while ago I mentioned that I worked with people from Queensland helping the development of a service there similar to what I provide here. When I got into work today I found they’d contacted me again to ask for more help. So I thought, since I’m in the mood to change jobs, and they are looking for an Australian me, why not offer my services…Who knows? Hah, the odds are against it to be honest but a change might be just the thing.
Well, except for the Invisible Boyfriend. Yes, Mark is back in town. Hooray!
We’re (or perhaps we were) supposed to see each other tomorrow, and our messages back and forth continued without resolve until indecisiveness developed a bijou row-ette about precisely where and when. Now he’s not returning calls or texts, and I suspect I’m getting the silent treatment. Maybe this is the end? I always worry about this with every little thing. For all I know he’s not checked his voicemail.
Unfortunately new-V is also making a bit of a nuisance of himself, and keeps texting to come over. No! Wait your turn!! Well, nice to be popular. But gosh, I do like to make things difficult for myself. Still, no angst, blouses firmly anchored – tonight I’m writing this, filling in application forms, and enjoying a glass of Californian Colombard. Off to the land of nod soon enough… and as if en cue, Tainted Love comes on the radio!
A friend and neighbour of mine I met recently (see Fallen angel below) has started a group on YouTube to boycott Heinz products (called We will be boycotting Heinz products) as they pulled an advert that had a ‘gay’ kiss in it (I think that’s a generous interpretation of a humorous situation – check it out below). I joined though, because that reaction to this ad' is annoying.
Sunday, 22 June 2008
Going out with a bang!
Normal service has been resumed gentle reader, and chirpy sarf Lahndahn fella Mike is back on top form. And this morning I was in the mood for something that the Invisible Boyfriend was not around to provide.
So Mike hatched a plan. A plan so cunning it would outfox Mr Foxington-Fox-Smythe himself. Well, perhaps :o).
I decided to have a last hurrah with my regulars and invited them to come over today for, well old times’ sake I suppose. As it turns out two could only come over in the morning (new-V couldn’t make it at all) but also they both wanted to come over at the same time. So, I tactfully explained that they might run into each other but both were surprisingly fine with it, and they got on rather well in the event – a good time was had by all. Perhaps they’ll hook up from now on without me?!
The object of all this of course is to draw a line under what now can loosely be termed the past, and focus on building a steadier relationship with Mark, which for the moment might be termed the future. I’ve um-ed and ah-ed over ‘monogamy’ with him now for quite long enough; it’s time to take the plunge, put my money where my mouth is, and get on with it.
After bidding a fond farewell to both, I had lunch with a neighbour and we put away a fair bit of wine giggling over my erstwhile profiles online on various lurve-sites; but whilst doing that I got a charming invitation from a local guy via gaydar and after exchanging a couple of messages I bid farewell to my neighbour and headed the couple of miles up the road to see him. As casual hook-ups go this one really, really was an excellent finale; and he was such a nice guy I suggested afterward that we might want to go out sometime for drinks – platonic from this point on, though. I’m not sure he’ll go for it – casual hook-ups are what they are after all; and arguably it would mean taking things in the wrong order. But all the gay friends I’ve made to date have come from, well, dates of one sort or another, so one can never be sure. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that going out on a limb is never wrong!
Anyway, is that the end of that? Not quite, I’m afraid. New-V, being an understanding chap, as well as the prince of all naughtiness, has suggested that he and I have our own last hurrah of sorts at a particular sort of party he’s going to next Saturday. And that involves the last big thing I particularly wanted to try on this particular journey; so I said yes. That, I think, will be the final fling.
This week’s postsecret has a postcard on it discussing the awkwardness of falling in love. I recognise the sentiment; but I really have to try and get it right with Mark now. Perhaps I'm going out on the ultimate limb? Well, no turning back.
Tune in next week kids, for another exciting installment of... but in the meantime some pix of my walk yesterday.
So Mike hatched a plan. A plan so cunning it would outfox Mr Foxington-Fox-Smythe himself. Well, perhaps :o).
I decided to have a last hurrah with my regulars and invited them to come over today for, well old times’ sake I suppose. As it turns out two could only come over in the morning (new-V couldn’t make it at all) but also they both wanted to come over at the same time. So, I tactfully explained that they might run into each other but both were surprisingly fine with it, and they got on rather well in the event – a good time was had by all. Perhaps they’ll hook up from now on without me?!
The object of all this of course is to draw a line under what now can loosely be termed the past, and focus on building a steadier relationship with Mark, which for the moment might be termed the future. I’ve um-ed and ah-ed over ‘monogamy’ with him now for quite long enough; it’s time to take the plunge, put my money where my mouth is, and get on with it.
After bidding a fond farewell to both, I had lunch with a neighbour and we put away a fair bit of wine giggling over my erstwhile profiles online on various lurve-sites; but whilst doing that I got a charming invitation from a local guy via gaydar and after exchanging a couple of messages I bid farewell to my neighbour and headed the couple of miles up the road to see him. As casual hook-ups go this one really, really was an excellent finale; and he was such a nice guy I suggested afterward that we might want to go out sometime for drinks – platonic from this point on, though. I’m not sure he’ll go for it – casual hook-ups are what they are after all; and arguably it would mean taking things in the wrong order. But all the gay friends I’ve made to date have come from, well, dates of one sort or another, so one can never be sure. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that going out on a limb is never wrong!
Anyway, is that the end of that? Not quite, I’m afraid. New-V, being an understanding chap, as well as the prince of all naughtiness, has suggested that he and I have our own last hurrah of sorts at a particular sort of party he’s going to next Saturday. And that involves the last big thing I particularly wanted to try on this particular journey; so I said yes. That, I think, will be the final fling.
This week’s postsecret has a postcard on it discussing the awkwardness of falling in love. I recognise the sentiment; but I really have to try and get it right with Mark now. Perhaps I'm going out on the ultimate limb? Well, no turning back.
Tune in next week kids, for another exciting installment of... but in the meantime some pix of my walk yesterday.
Saturday, 21 June 2008
Midsummer
I must be looking good right now; I got wolf-whistled in the street today and my profile on one of has been nominated for ‘sex factor’ on gaydar. Oo-er. And to top it all I managed to take a good new picture for my various profiles after trying for ages!! That makes up for my verdammten washing powder leaching the colour out of my work shirts; though that at least is a good excuse for some retail therapy.
Yesterday I went to the pub with colleagues, get the latest gossip and generally catch up – these days I rarely get the opportunity to see work-friends in a group. A bit of a boozy session during which, in a bid to keep up with management buzzwords, we rechristened our team the Productivity Shitter.
Then, on my way home, Mark called – he was just getting his train to Calais. He called because he suddenly realised he hadn’t replied to my email, and he asked me what he should get me from France to make it up to me. A brief call, but a reassuring one. And he seemed genuinely pleased when I said I had no plans to hook up with anyone while he was away. So, although I’m still quite lonely this weekend, I’m in a much better mood than I thought I would be.
Being utterly lost in affairs of the heart, and generally ruled by my head in any event, I created a ‘behaviour grid’ where I looked at how I behave/what I am like with and without Mark, when I am either happy or said.
Yesterday I went to the pub with colleagues, get the latest gossip and generally catch up – these days I rarely get the opportunity to see work-friends in a group. A bit of a boozy session during which, in a bid to keep up with management buzzwords, we rechristened our team the Productivity Shitter.
Then, on my way home, Mark called – he was just getting his train to Calais. He called because he suddenly realised he hadn’t replied to my email, and he asked me what he should get me from France to make it up to me. A brief call, but a reassuring one. And he seemed genuinely pleased when I said I had no plans to hook up with anyone while he was away. So, although I’m still quite lonely this weekend, I’m in a much better mood than I thought I would be.
Being utterly lost in affairs of the heart, and generally ruled by my head in any event, I created a ‘behaviour grid’ where I looked at how I behave/what I am like with and without Mark, when I am either happy or said.
I think we can all agree that happy is better than sad, but the grid doesn’t really point to being with him as better than being single. I hope planning things out in this way doesn’t make me seem cold or too analytical. The clincher for me is that being without him does make me unhappy, so it’s moot to have a happy/alone box in the first place. Yes being with him is what makes me happy. I’ve realised you see - yes indeed gentle reader - it seems I’ve become infatuated after all. And with that, there really is no more need for discussion, angst or anything else.
Today I walked all the way to the O2 dome, did a bit of shopping, and came back. Because I’ve met quite a few guys from the local area it was a bit like a trip down memory lane – past that guy’s flat, this guy’s car, the pub where I met the other… a journey of sentimental value. Anyway, once there I found myself in a garden centre looking at plants – because Mark wants to do his garden! I saw lots of gay couples in the supermarket which made me feel a bit sad, because my fella wasn’t there. And I began to plan things Mark and I could do together – the ecological gardens at the millennium village; the beach at the yacht club; the play I’ve been meaning to see for ages…
PS I've updated the email address that links from this blog; the new address doesn't support attachments yet - sorry guys ;-)
Tuesday, 17 June 2008
Fallen Angel
For a while there today the angst-counter was well into the red, and the blouse reader was off the scale. The engines cannae take it Cap’n!!
“Hi I will call you later x”
That’s the reply to my (much longer) message this morning wishing Mark well and trying to confirm Wednesday.
Uh-oh. ‘x’ notwithstanding, that’s not going to help is it?
Well, before we go further, a terrible confession.
I saw new-V last night for some double-plus naughtiness. I know, I know, I know; what’s wrong with me? I do really like Mark, and I’ve set out before that monogamy is fine – having my cake and eating it is not [he alleged] what this is about. But…
I’m new at this. I know it’s the same old excuse, but there we are. I really need some affirmation from Mark. I think the moment he clearly expresses some kind of link to me – calls me his boyfriend, tells me how much he likes me etc – then the situation will be much improved. But I can’t ask for that, because it would be false and I know he doesn’t want the ‘pressure’. So, until I have something more concrete it’s difficult for me to refuse to see others, even if it’s just sex.
Anyway, today Mark calls me as promised to explain that he can’t see me on Wednesday because he has to see a client – that is he forgot we had plans when he agreed to do that. He was very apologetic and promised to make it up to me, though I was naturally very disappointed.
But the most useful thing about the conversation, for all that it will be about 10 days between seeing each other, is that it convinced me he does like me and isn’t about to dump me – he would have done it by now, surely? – and so ironically I do feel a lot better about things and am happier that we have a stable foundation for… the future!
Phew! Talk about taking the long way round!!
Tonight I went out for a not-date with a neighbour of mine (it turns out virtually everyone where I live is gay, and I had no idea!) for dinner and drinks at the by-now-familiar O2. We met on Gaydar when he messaged me to say he saw my profile and recognised me from the Facebook group of our local community; then he found me on OUT too – so, smallest of all possible worlds, we decided to meet up for drinks. I had a good night - we talked and talked, and we may meet again, but I think this is probably more platonic – so with this one nothing happened!!
“Hi I will call you later x”
That’s the reply to my (much longer) message this morning wishing Mark well and trying to confirm Wednesday.
Uh-oh. ‘x’ notwithstanding, that’s not going to help is it?
Well, before we go further, a terrible confession.
I saw new-V last night for some double-plus naughtiness. I know, I know, I know; what’s wrong with me? I do really like Mark, and I’ve set out before that monogamy is fine – having my cake and eating it is not [he alleged] what this is about. But…
I’m new at this. I know it’s the same old excuse, but there we are. I really need some affirmation from Mark. I think the moment he clearly expresses some kind of link to me – calls me his boyfriend, tells me how much he likes me etc – then the situation will be much improved. But I can’t ask for that, because it would be false and I know he doesn’t want the ‘pressure’. So, until I have something more concrete it’s difficult for me to refuse to see others, even if it’s just sex.
Anyway, today Mark calls me as promised to explain that he can’t see me on Wednesday because he has to see a client – that is he forgot we had plans when he agreed to do that. He was very apologetic and promised to make it up to me, though I was naturally very disappointed.
But the most useful thing about the conversation, for all that it will be about 10 days between seeing each other, is that it convinced me he does like me and isn’t about to dump me – he would have done it by now, surely? – and so ironically I do feel a lot better about things and am happier that we have a stable foundation for… the future!
Phew! Talk about taking the long way round!!
Tonight I went out for a not-date with a neighbour of mine (it turns out virtually everyone where I live is gay, and I had no idea!) for dinner and drinks at the by-now-familiar O2. We met on Gaydar when he messaged me to say he saw my profile and recognised me from the Facebook group of our local community; then he found me on OUT too – so, smallest of all possible worlds, we decided to meet up for drinks. I had a good night - we talked and talked, and we may meet again, but I think this is probably more platonic – so with this one nothing happened!!
Sunday, 15 June 2008
Bored
Today Mark and I were supposed to have lunch; and yes, I did hope the afternoon might see the gourmand become the voluptuary. But when we spoke this morning the cold he was coming down with on Friday had really taken hold and he was feeling rotten. Hence we had to abandon have the fantastic lunch I had intended for us today.
The planned menu:
1) Antipasto, followed by minestrone
(complimented with a nice new world Chardonnay)
2) Salad
The planned menu:
1) Antipasto, followed by minestrone
(complimented with a nice new world Chardonnay)
2) Salad
3) Pork and Chicken in a white wine and cream source
(served with a lovely organic Chenin Blanc.)
4) Me.
Unfortunately that couldn't happen. A pox on the flu!
I'm really disappointed because it's the last time we can spend any weekend time together for a while now - though we will see each other on Wednesday, so that's something. Mark did rather pointedly suggest that I would know how to amuse myself in the meantime. Uh-oh. Truth is, I have decided not to see anyone else for the time being until I'm sure what this is becoming/where it's going. For some reason a bit nervous about that but...
So actually this afternoon I find myself rather bored, and annoyed at the confines I've placed on myself! Well, rough with the smooth. He'll have to make it up to me somehow ;-)
No option then: it's domestic goddess time - things must be desperate. Work on the balcony; try and get my antique clock working again; and general tidying. I also went out and treated myself to a new computer monitor on the spur of the moment - possibly not the best time for fripperies as I'm still trying to rebuild my finances, but what the hey?
Finally I decided to try and update my pics on my various profiles, but as usual the camera and I were not on the best of terms! Instead, pics of domesticity to entertain till I have something more interesting to blog (the pictures above the dining table were made by a good friend of mind and given to me years ago; they're my favourites).
Saturday, 14 June 2008
He'll always have Paris
Last night Mark and I went to see The Happening… well, it was OK. I don’t really recommend it over, say, seeing something else. I think Mark liked it more than me though which is good, because I chose the film!
Afterward there were drinks, but not dinner as planned; and that was good for a number of reasons. Firstly, obviously, I was with him. Hurrah!
Secondly, we talked for the first time about the future. Not The Future as in mortgage; marriage; children; death, but as in the events over the next few weeks.
It turns out, to my intense disappointment, that Mark is in France not only next weekend, but the weekend after. I dropped some pretty heavy hints (“I’ve never been to France. I’d love to go. Perhaps we should go one day? Paris should be lovely at this time of year.”) but no, they didn’t seem to register! I also suggested that he and I should go to Germany in the late summer which he seemed open to, though he’s going to Greece in September.
This is what I get for meeting a guy who Travels!
Still, at least it shows he’s not having serious doubts right now, if we can talk about July, August, September…
But the third, and perhaps most interesting thing, is a realisation that Mark expects me to, for want of a better phrase, take charge. In fact he was quite up-front about it last night; he has a high-powered job where he has to make tough decisions 12 hours a day and as part of his work/life balance he doesn’t really want to make decisions outside that. And, to be a bit icky, that applies in the bedroom too.
Hmmm. Is angst ridden blouse “still-quite-new-at-this” Mike up to the challenge?
Nevertheless, our hectic schedules mean that we have to snatch our moments when we can; and to that end I’m cooking him a very nice Sunday lunch, and hopefully afterward he will stay for a film, and a bit of coffee and home-made cake (yes, I bake things too) and etc, etc.
Afterward there were drinks, but not dinner as planned; and that was good for a number of reasons. Firstly, obviously, I was with him. Hurrah!
Secondly, we talked for the first time about the future. Not The Future as in mortgage; marriage; children; death, but as in the events over the next few weeks.
It turns out, to my intense disappointment, that Mark is in France not only next weekend, but the weekend after. I dropped some pretty heavy hints (“I’ve never been to France. I’d love to go. Perhaps we should go one day? Paris should be lovely at this time of year.”) but no, they didn’t seem to register! I also suggested that he and I should go to Germany in the late summer which he seemed open to, though he’s going to Greece in September.
This is what I get for meeting a guy who Travels!
Still, at least it shows he’s not having serious doubts right now, if we can talk about July, August, September…
But the third, and perhaps most interesting thing, is a realisation that Mark expects me to, for want of a better phrase, take charge. In fact he was quite up-front about it last night; he has a high-powered job where he has to make tough decisions 12 hours a day and as part of his work/life balance he doesn’t really want to make decisions outside that. And, to be a bit icky, that applies in the bedroom too.
Hmmm. Is angst ridden blouse “still-quite-new-at-this” Mike up to the challenge?
Nevertheless, our hectic schedules mean that we have to snatch our moments when we can; and to that end I’m cooking him a very nice Sunday lunch, and hopefully afterward he will stay for a film, and a bit of coffee and home-made cake (yes, I bake things too) and etc, etc.
Friday, 13 June 2008
Angst
I need relationship advice, plain and simple. Governed more by head than heart, and having very limited experience of this kind of thing, I’m completely lost at sea.
Friends and family offer the familiar ‘just be yourself’ line; well, OK. How? Well, OK… stupid question - but I can't just go by instinct. It really would be nice if there was more concrete advice out there. I found one decent site last night (now linked on the right) – well, at about 4:00 this morning because I had a pretty sleepless night – which advises enormous blouses like me to think about dating goals, and what the other wants from a partner. That’s all good, but I need data to analyse, pick people’s brains over…
Wednesday’s post probably wasn’t very clear. I do think Mark and I have a future, but I don’t want to repeat my usual trick of becoming totally infatuated and then very quickly realising I’ve made a mistake, or accidentally ruining everything by coming on too strong.
Catch 22 – trying too hard to avoid the appearance of trying too hard.
You see, by not letting myself become infatuated, and thus deluding myself into thinking everything’s perfect, I’ve not given myself the usual angst-avoidance tools. So now I have to confront my lack of relationship experience. If only I had the vocabulary to express my feelings to him simply, and the insight to recognise what he might need from me. If only I had enough experience to be confident that he does like me, and be relaxed in that knowledge.
Between now and then: a long bath, glass of wine and, for a change, the boat to town tonight, as a treat.
Friends and family offer the familiar ‘just be yourself’ line; well, OK. How? Well, OK… stupid question - but I can't just go by instinct. It really would be nice if there was more concrete advice out there. I found one decent site last night (now linked on the right) – well, at about 4:00 this morning because I had a pretty sleepless night – which advises enormous blouses like me to think about dating goals, and what the other wants from a partner. That’s all good, but I need data to analyse, pick people’s brains over…
Wednesday’s post probably wasn’t very clear. I do think Mark and I have a future, but I don’t want to repeat my usual trick of becoming totally infatuated and then very quickly realising I’ve made a mistake, or accidentally ruining everything by coming on too strong.
Catch 22 – trying too hard to avoid the appearance of trying too hard.
You see, by not letting myself become infatuated, and thus deluding myself into thinking everything’s perfect, I’ve not given myself the usual angst-avoidance tools. So now I have to confront my lack of relationship experience. If only I had the vocabulary to express my feelings to him simply, and the insight to recognise what he might need from me. If only I had enough experience to be confident that he does like me, and be relaxed in that knowledge.
It all comes down to why I came out in the first place; not sex, but love. I must confess in my mind I've caught myself referring to Mark as 'Darren'; good sign or not??
Well, cinema tonight, then dinner (my treat), and then… Further updates as events warrant. Writing this has helped - reading it back to myself my heads says chillax ;-)Between now and then: a long bath, glass of wine and, for a change, the boat to town tonight, as a treat.
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
Pondering.
I worked extra hard yesterday and managed to pull of a little coup that will make my life a lot easier in the future, so when one of my ‘regulars’ invited himself round for a bit of fun that evening I thought there was no better way to celebrate.
This is the second time I’ve been with someone since I met Mark (he knows) and I suppose I should think about what's going to happen next with that.
Now, I’m equally happy to be in an open relationship or with monogamy – I just expect honesty and genuine commitment (whatever that is). So ironically, if my fella strayed while we were in a monogamous relationship it would probably mean the end; but if we were ‘open’ I think I’d quite enjoy hearing/sharing (maybe reliving) the juicy details!
However, it turns out Mark does want a monogamous relationship, so at some point, possibly – hopefully? – quite soon, I guess I’ll need to pack up my profiles and put my bed-hopping days to rest.
But, then what to do about the guys I’ve been seeing on and off for ’fun’: ‘T’, ‘W’ and, for want of anything better, the one I'll call New ‘V’? All already have boyfriends of their own, so I guess they can’t complain if I get one for a change!
‘T’ is great and really treats my like a prince but only sees me when his actual boyfriend is away; I’ll miss him when we part. ‘W’ is in a sexless relationship and we meet up very occasionally – it sounds terrible, put like that, but we are friends too, and are often in contact without the other thing, so I guess he and I can be just friends.
New ‘V’ doesn’t treat me like a prince at all and he is very very naughty indeed. I practice on him and he gets to practise things most definitely not on his boyfriend’s approved-list (Yes, there we have it, gentle reader, I’m a total slut), so I suppose he’ll happily move on to the next guy when I stop seeing him.
Well, if Mark wants monogamy I surely can’t demand honesty and commitment, and keep seeing these guys. But until I’m sure this is going somewhere I’m not quite ready to take the plunge. Yet, on the other hand I don’t want to have a Big Talk and demand too much of Mark too soon; instead I’d prefer to wait and see, ideally without being too pathetic and needy. Mark’s had one boyfriend or another since he was 17, and I obviously haven’t, so I feel I’m playing catch-up to a certain extent. When is the right time to become exclusive? Do I secretly want to have my cake and eat it? Cognitive dissonance, anyone?
This is the film we're going to see on Friday...
This is the second time I’ve been with someone since I met Mark (he knows) and I suppose I should think about what's going to happen next with that.
Now, I’m equally happy to be in an open relationship or with monogamy – I just expect honesty and genuine commitment (whatever that is). So ironically, if my fella strayed while we were in a monogamous relationship it would probably mean the end; but if we were ‘open’ I think I’d quite enjoy hearing/sharing (maybe reliving) the juicy details!
However, it turns out Mark does want a monogamous relationship, so at some point, possibly – hopefully? – quite soon, I guess I’ll need to pack up my profiles and put my bed-hopping days to rest.
But, then what to do about the guys I’ve been seeing on and off for ’fun’: ‘T’, ‘W’ and, for want of anything better, the one I'll call New ‘V’? All already have boyfriends of their own, so I guess they can’t complain if I get one for a change!
‘T’ is great and really treats my like a prince but only sees me when his actual boyfriend is away; I’ll miss him when we part. ‘W’ is in a sexless relationship and we meet up very occasionally – it sounds terrible, put like that, but we are friends too, and are often in contact without the other thing, so I guess he and I can be just friends.
New ‘V’ doesn’t treat me like a prince at all and he is very very naughty indeed. I practice on him and he gets to practise things most definitely not on his boyfriend’s approved-list (Yes, there we have it, gentle reader, I’m a total slut), so I suppose he’ll happily move on to the next guy when I stop seeing him.
Well, if Mark wants monogamy I surely can’t demand honesty and commitment, and keep seeing these guys. But until I’m sure this is going somewhere I’m not quite ready to take the plunge. Yet, on the other hand I don’t want to have a Big Talk and demand too much of Mark too soon; instead I’d prefer to wait and see, ideally without being too pathetic and needy. Mark’s had one boyfriend or another since he was 17, and I obviously haven’t, so I feel I’m playing catch-up to a certain extent. When is the right time to become exclusive? Do I secretly want to have my cake and eat it? Cognitive dissonance, anyone?
This is the film we're going to see on Friday...
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