Research

You may remember, gentle reader, that I am doing a research degree in public policy. I am nearing the end of my studies now, and in fact only have a few lectures left before it’s all done. Studying, classes, projects, revising… they all keep me busy. I’ve loved it and it’s really taught me invaluable skills and opened up my horizons. Bargain.

Of course there is one element left – my dissertation.

It is very important for me to do my dissertation research on an LGBT themed topic. Having tried to do my projects and essays on LGBT-relevant areas I’ve been amazed, and somewhat frustrated by the lack of data out there.

It seems general social research isn’t exploring how the issues it tackles affect LGBT people, or where this is done it isn’t done consistently. This means different research can’t easily be compared because different questions are asked, or there aren’t enough LGBT people taking part in a research project to make populations comparable.

So where does my dissertation come in?

I posted a while back about wanting to look at the behaviours of men in civil partnerships to see if they tended to display less risky behaviour. I wanted to use the data collected by sigma research who do a fantastic sexual health survey. They collect the data, but don’t look at that question themselves. Sadly, whilst acknowledging it is an interesting question they refused to share their data with me.

So, being me, I decided what the hell-crap-damn – I’ll collect my own data. Ha! Take that wise, and experienced researchers!

My dissertation proposal has been signed off, although I am looking at a wider range of life experiences to see how these impact on behaviours and social attitudes. I’ve started an advertising campaign using banner ads on some LGBT websites, and flyers to hand out, which mean I should reach about 250,000 gay and bisexual men. With luck that will get me at least few hundred responses.

I’m very very excited and can’t wait get my hands on some data to get modelling. It should all be done by the beginning of September and in the meantime while people are completing my online research questionnaire I will be doing a lot of background reading which will have the added advantage of expanding my horizons about issues affecting gay people.

It would be remiss of me, of course, not to plug my research questionnaire… so if you are a gay or bisexual man, or a man who has sex with men – and you are resident in the UK – then you are more than welcome to take part at www.shrodis.com. It’s completely anonymous and every response is appreciated J  

Meme

Ask me no questions…

I got this meme from Nik theGreek’s excellent blog. The answers are honest, sometimes embarrassing and  probably quite average – not unlike myself. I don’t do enough memes, so if you know of any you think I might like to fill in, please let me know…

Here goes.

1. How old were you when you knew you were gay?
I recall first feeling I was gay when I was 14 and I honestly fancied a specific guy rather than just being confused. I know he liked me too, as we fooled around a little, on and off, for about three years – we never fully consummated our mutual adolescent attraction, but I remember him very fondly sometimes wonder where he is now…

2. Have you ever had sex with the opposite sex?
Yes. I have even had a couple of girlfriends, of whom one is still a good friend. But it’s been a while!

3. Who was the first person you came out to?
The person I came out to properly first was one of my closest friends, ‘A’. After I met Darren I got tired of some people knowing I was gay just ‘cos I didn’t pretend and others kinda not knowing. So we went to the pub and told her I had started dating him. The doors infatuation opens!

4. Are you out to your family?
Yes. Everyone, now.

5. Do you want children?
No, but the idea has its attractions. Still, I know the kind of work that’s involved and strongly believe that if you are to have a child, that’s what your life has to be about… and I want my life to be about other things. So. Selfish me; no kids.

6. Do you have more gay friends or straight friends?
I don’t know. Close friends - it’s a good mix. Acquaintances – mostly straight.

7. Were you out in school?
No. I didn’t want to get killed.

8. Is your best friend the same sex as you?
No.

9. If your best friend is the same sex, have you ever had sex with them?
N/A

10. Have you ever done crystal meth?
No; though I did hook up with someone who was on it…. We… haven’t kept in touch. That, and quite coincidentally hooking up with his boyfriend (strangulation fetish!), would make an interesting post one day.

11. Have you ever been in a sling?
No. But that’s not quite the end of that *fond memories*

12. Have you ever done a 3-way?
Yes. I have always enjoyed such things very much, but always was careful to be the ‘guest star’ in such arrangements.

13. Have you ever dressed in drag?
No. I have GREAT legs though… and I’m told there are photos of me at a recent drinks outing wearing a VERY fetching shade of lipstick indeed *blush*

14. Would you date a drag queen?
Yes; and I have. I didn’t know he was a drag queen when we first started dating, but when he told me I thought it was fantastic. That was shorty after I broke up with International – c.f. he took the first opportunity to head for the hills LOL. He, the drag queen, didn’t think I was really over intenrational, so didn’t really take our budding relationship forward which was a shame, because we really liked each other.

15. Are you 'fixed in your ways' as it were?
In some ways. I’m quite – c.f. very – introverted but once I loosen up I like to enjoy myself and I’m quite open minded. My Myers-Briggs personality type is INTJ which I’m told makes me open to whatever the clearest and strategically best frame of mind might be,

Original 15. Are you a top/bottom or truly versatile?
I’m top/versatile.

16. Cher or Bette?
Hmmm. Ask Fella.

17. Have you dated someone of a different ethnicity?
Yes. More than once. Nothing long term.

18. Been to Fire Island? Saugatuck? Key West? Ft. Lauderdale? Palm Springs?
No. Most outrageous destination was a nudist beach in Spain with International. I’d go back; via the gym, mind you.

Original 18. Have you ever barebacked?
Hmmm. Not sure I should answer that. Which, of course, means yes.

19. How many Madonna CDs do you own?
None. Fella has, quote, “five or six”. Enough for both of us.

20. Name of your first love?
Well, the guy I talk about in answer 1; or Darren.

21. Do you still talk to them?
No. Never.

22. Does size matter?
Ah… well, I’ve discussed that before. Bluntly, yes, but not as much as people might think, and actually I’ve had fun with all kinds of people of all shapes and sizes. I’d never reject anyone on those grounds; and have never thought afterward it wasn’t worth hooking up with someone due to that.

23. Biggest turn on?
A good kisser… oh yes. There is also a special area on my neck which, if reached, drives me completely INSANE. Plus I always enjoyed that physical feedback where someone appreciates and responds to your… best efforts.

24. Biggest turn off?
Overly negative people. Glass half full darling!

25. Ever been harassed due to your orientation?
Yes. Fella and I have had a couple of hairy incidents; and sometimes colleagues make comments that are not much appreciated. Not been physically attacked or anything serious; so I think we’re lucky.

26. Worst gay stereotype that applies to you?
Hmm. My response to that would have to be – what’s a gay stereotype? If gay people can be put in a series of pigeonholes than I don’t fit any of them, or better still I fit some of them all the time but to varying degrees depending on a range of factors. Tell you what – show me some living female, black, or Jewish stereotypes and let’s compare notes.

27. Ever been to a pride rally?
Yes. Love them

28. Would you marry if you could?
Yes.

29. Would you rather be rich and smart or young and beautiful?
I’d rather be a younger and more beautiful me. If I could be that young and beautiful forever. Evidently I can’t.

Actually, scrap that superficial answer. I’d rather be ME, but the best me I can be. Including the best looking me of course.

30. Do you sculpt your eyebrows?
We lift and separate from time to time.

31. Do you trim your body hair?
There are certain areas of a gentleman’s garden I find it prudent to keep in check. I don’t shave it.

32. Ever had sex with more than one person in a day?
Yes.

33. Ever been to an orgy?
Yes.

34. Which character in "The Women" best reflects you?
Can’t tell you. In that I don’t know.

35. Favorite gay expression?
Erm… nothing springs to mind.

36. How may 'exes' do you have?
Well, Darren and International make two fairly long term-ish relationships but I’ve dated some other guys who were special enough to be exes. The real number is probably in the region of five or six. It depends on your value of ex I suppose.

37. Do you believe in fairies?
Only cheerful ones.

38. Do you have any tattoos?
No. Fella won’t let me. Though I’d love to…

39. Do you have any piercings?
No. Fella has a few. I don’t like the idea for myself.

40. Would you date a smoker?
I do.

41. If you are male, do you know many lesbians?
Yes, both as good friends and where I work.

42. Do you know anyone who has died from HIV?
No.

43. Are you part of a gay organization?
I’m a member of the LGBT network at work.

44. Is your gym cruisy?
No. Shame.

45. Grinder or Scruff?
Crikey – neither. Those days are behind me.

46. Are your best years behind or in front of you?
In front.

47. Got Porn?
I like a couple of websites and explicit blogs I drop in to from time to time; but nothing stored. People give Fella porn as an in-joke from time to time.

48. Make out music?
Nothing really.

49. Ever been in love with a straight guy?
I’ve fucking fancied loads, starting with my best friend’s brother when at high school right up to a couple of cute guys in my office.  In love? No.

50. Did you ever have sex with him?
I’ve fooled around with a couple of guys while at University. Nothing heavy, and we weren’t in love.

51. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
Yes – see 18

52. Have you ever been to a bath house?
Yes

53. Ever had sex in public?
Yes.

54. What gay gene did you miss out?
Ah, that goes back to the stereotype thing doesn’t it?

Happy New Year ;-)

Kreativ Blogger Award

Ah, finally some recognition. Well, it would seem there is a meme...

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award

Thanks to Nik the Greek. He has a funny blog that, as so many are, is better than mine. I linked to his blog after being absorbed reading his stories and seeing much of what I myself wanted to express therein.

2. Copy the award logo and place it on your blog

3. Link to the person who nominated you

Nik The Greek

4. List seven things about yourself that other people might find interesting

Ah well, there you have me… I can list seven things anyway. I am German; have a degree in physics; before I became an official fairy I had two long-ish term girlfriends; I intensely dislike being photographed; I had a dog named Pi; I have a fondness for white wine; I secretly think I have a really nice body!

5. Nominate seven Kreativ Bloggers

There are loads of blogs better than mine, a tiny fraction listed here are ones I particularly like.

Final Girl – an absolutely hilarious blog of a lady who reviews horror films for a living

Made In Scotland – a touching, funny and deep blog of a great guy living in London with his husband; a person top whom I owe many thanks.

Much Ado About Monty – a blog by someone on the other side of the world and ahead of me in the nice guy/gay guy/love and life stakes.

It’s All About Me – gay pagan who has adventures and seems to have a good head on his shoulders, as well as being another really nice guy…

Gay Socrates – a truly intelligent and in-depth blog of someone who has a lot of wisdom to share. Invaluable insights and feedback for someone like me

Love Gay Sex – a funny and well written blog of a gay guy in Southern England observing the facets of his life. Excellent reading.

The Coterie of Zombies – by a very talented artist, this witty and often dark blog is a doorway to all manner of beautiful and amazing ideas and images.

6. Link to their blogs – well,, you can do on the right here…

7. Tell them you’ve nominated them… done

The Rules

The Rules have come a long way since those first three that I came up with when I started dating, just over a year ago. They continue to grow and grow! But what do they mean? And how well does Frumpella stick to them? Here are my favourites and how I interpret them…

Rule 1: Well, no sex on a first date. Self explanatory really. Even if I break it more than 60% of the time (yes, I keep records. A complete and thorough slattern is yours truly). As for Rules 2 and 3; Yes 60%. And I’m still single aren’t I? Actually my two most successful – well, longest anyway – relationships were very Rule One complaint indeed. But the idea is really that ‘putting out’ too early doesn’t help. I know it was different for some of you out there, so perhaps I’m just being overly restrictive. Or not. Celarly I'll have to break that Rule a lot more, just to be sure...

Rule 5: I lack confidence a lot. I’m quite shy; and I’m not good at meeting people. No, really. So I needed to encourage myself to just get out there. A work in progress in that regard, but a good Rule - partly because it’s totally true! I make it a point to say yes to virtually everything now and regrets… none whatever. If there was a Rule I’d sell to other people, it would be Rule 5.

Rule 7: My current favourite rule. For all the cock I’ve had not one guy has yet proven to have the balls to be the man in my life. Honesty AND balls. That’s all it takes for me; the rest can be a work in progress. Do I have balls? Well… I got Rule 5, don’t I?

Rule 10: Contributed by an ex-girlfriend of mine as a joke after I came out to her; it’s certainly the most important. Of course it means practise safe sex!

Rule 15: One of many contributed by friend ‘A’; simply put “well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?”. Perhaps having that as a rule is a bit cynical, and that’s not what this blog is about. Yet… say what you mean, men; and if you don’t want to then say that too. “It’s not you… it’s me. I’m the one who doesn’t find you attractive”… is that so difficult?! No need to lie, make up excuses or unaccountably loose the use of your dialling finger.

Rule 21: This is all my own, and cautions me against infatuation. I came up with it after too many hours checking my phone every 30 seconds for text messages from guys who with hindsight sit at the business end of Rule 7.

Of course some of the Rules were made to be broken and for more than half my life I’ve reasoned that if you’re going to break rules, break ‘em good and hard. But at least one Rule seems pertinent to every man-based situation so the system works!

What about you, gentle reader: got any Rules you live by? Got any rules for me…?

Meme

Meme... me me me me me

I stole this meme from a friend (with permission):

Kissed any one of your Facebook friends? Yes. A couple of lovers and exes on there.
Been arrested? Yes!
Kissed someone you didn't like? Then or now?? And yes!
Slept in until 5 PM? No, but nearly.
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes.
Held a snake? No. Unless that’s a euphemism.
Ran a red light? Yes.
Been suspended from school? No.
Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident? No. Other people’s...
Been fired from a job? Taken voluntary redundancy once.
Sang karaoke? Yes. A few times, always badly!
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Almost always.
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes.
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes.
Kissed in the rain? Yes.
Sang in the shower? Yes.
Sat on a rooftop? Yes. The rooftops of London allow for many an adventure.
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? No.
Broken a bone? Yes. Collarbone/Stairs; Nose/Fight; Foot/Idiot
Shaved your head? No, but am thinking about it.
Blacked out from drinking? No. I seem to have the capacity to get very very drunk without any kind of real memory loss. Not such a blessing really.
Played a prank on someone? Oh yes. I've often been described as a pranker.
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? Oh, I hope not. I can’t stand the thought of doing that to someone.
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? Erm… is that another euphemism?
Been in a band? No. Wish I had though!
Shot a gun? Yes. long story.
Tripped on mushrooms? Not that, no.
Donated Blood? No - believe it or not homosexual men aren’t allowed to donate blood in Britain.
Eaten alligator meat? Yes, at college.
Eaten cheesecake? Yes. Yum!
Still love someone you shouldn't? I don’t think there’s anyone I shouldn’t love. At the risk of sounding trite everyone in my life has had their place, even if that place has been a difficult one.
Think about the future? Yes, always. The trick is not to be frightened of it. I'm still learning!
Believe in Love? Yes. I hope it believes in me!
Sleep on a certain side of bed? Yes, actually I do.

Ask!

On Sunday I was reading Postsecret, which is one of the most beautiful sites on the internet – and which regularly brings me to tears; I urge you to visit it. And it occurred to me, seeing all these people publish their darkest secrets, that when I start my new job it will be the first totally new situation/environment I’ve experienced as an out gay man. Because so many of my former colleagues are also my friends I’ve had an incredible crutch to support me both in and out to help me shake it all about. And now… that’s gone. They’re still my friends, of course, but this time my little boat is making its voyage all alone and I don’t know what storms and monsters it will face. Well, I still have to captain my boat well and I’m sure I’ll steer a course somehow.

Enough metaphor! Back to whimsy and caprice. I’ve been considering starting going swimming again, and maybe *gasp* going to the gym – my weight loss programme has plateaud at 80kg, which was my primary goal, but I want to get down to 75kg and turn them kg into something more useful. Therefore I’ve been looking at what’s available locally and I have been pleasantly surprised by the facilities available, if not by the price. I hope Gareth will be suitably appreciative of the results ;-)

I once promised Gareth that I would answer his questions honestly, which he promptly derided as hokum! So, having seen others do it, I now extent that courtesy to you, gentle reader. Since I may not have a great deal to blog about for a little while, do you have any questions? Feedback? Hints and tips for the anxious and frumpy gay man about town? Alternatively I would love to hear the story of how you and your partner met, and got together… how quickly did you decide to become boyfriends? How long was it till you moved in together?

Inspiration greatly appreciated!